Who Didn't See It Coming?
by whisper.zed
Summary: Two girls. A dog. An incident with jell-o. An irked god. Guess what happens. Yep, they're poofed to the world of Naruto. Who didn't see it coming?
1. Who Didn't See It Coming?

**OK! This might not be amazing or anything since this is my first fanfiction, but there shouldn't be too much trouble with spelling and such, me being a bit OCD and all. So read, enjoy, and maybe review if it wouldn't bother you to brighten my day.**

**Disclaimer! This is called fanfiction for a reason. I only own the OC's, not Naruto, not jell-o, not kool-aid, and defiantly not Starbucks.**

**Chapter One! Who Didn't See It Coming?**

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><p><strong>xXxItaly's POVxXx <strong>

It was a surprisingly cool summer day, the Fourth of July to be exact. I was riding my bike in the quaint downtown area of my little town. My best friend was lagging behind on the steep hill, her blonde hair sticking to her face. I stopped my bike at the top of the hill, waiting for her with the little patience I had. "Come _on_, Colette!" I called down to her, exasperation obvious in my voice.

I could see Colette roll her eyes at my impatience. "Sorry that I'm not a cycling fanatic, Italy," I heard her grumble as she approached. I knew Colette was just being lazy. We've biked together hours every day since we got bikes for Christmas in the 1st grade.

"Whatever," I sighed, starting to ride back down the street again. "Hurry up! We need to pick up Phoebe!"

"Bleh!" Colette stuck her tongue out at me, flashing her tongue piercing. I ignored her in favor of not running over pedestrians.

Eventually we picked up Phoebe from the groomers. Phoebe is my dad's Bichon Frise. She's a cute little puffball of a dog that randomly appeared at the animal shelter one day when I was volunteering. Yeah, I volunteer at the animal shelter. Deal with it. But, anyway she really did just randomly pop up. I was feeding some puppy or whatever, turned around, and Phoebe was just there in a formerly empty cage. A bit strange to say the least.

Colette suddenly popped in front of me, carrying said Phoebe. We had deposited our bikes at Phoebe's groomer in favor of walking to the park to watch the fireworks. We still celebrated the Fourth of July here no matter how close to Canada we were. "What's up?" said Colette.

I smiled at my darling friend, "Not much. I was just thinking about Phoebe."

Colette tapped her chin with her finger, "That's right! It is your birthday after all, Phoebe." Colette cuddled the white pooch.

I laughed at her adoration of the dog. Colette never got tired of Phoebe, no matter how much they saw each other. Colette _was_ my foster sister after all. Why's that, do you ask? Well, in short her parents were broke buttfaces that got themselves into jail. This all happened when we were just five. Yeah, that's how long we've known each other. Colette's lived with my parents, certified foster parents, ever since.

People often confused us for real sisters, but I don't see how. Colette had pin-straight pale blonde hair and huge grey-greenish eyes. I also had-emphasis on the had- blonde hair, but my eyes were crazier than hers. That was something since no one could even really even tell what color her eyes were. Anyway, one of my eyes was violet-y blue while the other was blueish-green. And my hair? It used to be dirty blonde. At the moment, it was neon blue. I dyed it blue a while ago to cosplay Konan, and it just sort of stuck.

Anyway, we made it to the park. My dad waved us over to a picnic table where the whole family was. My mom was staring at the cupcakes longingly while my grandma was playing Angry Birds on her phone. My dad was now petting Phoebe while my little foster sister, Kimberly was drawing. Kimberly smiled up at us through her dark bangs, "Hi, Italy-sensei. Hi Colette-sensei," she said softly, quite as always.

My grandma looked up from her game and gathered the two of us in a huge hug. "There are my black belts!" she laughed. My grandma liked to remember that someone in her family wasn't a failure. I don't know why she didn't just look at her son who paid for her luxurious retirement estate in Beverly Hills, but whatever.

"Hi, Grandma!" I smiled into the group hug.

"How was Japan, Grammy?" said Colette. Yep, Colette was considered family by my grandma who hated people even more than I did. I think Grandma actually liked her better than me…

Grandma finally released us from the group hug of doom. "It was fantastic. You two have to come with me next time."

Colette laughed, "You know we can't speak Japanese!"

"Ah! Well, it would be a perfect opportunity to learn," Grandma said sagely. She reminds me of those old kung-fu masters in the movies because she was old and smart and a black belt, but those were just my thoughts.

Eventually, Grandma went back to Angry Birds, leaving Colette and me to help Kimberly with some karate moves or as my baby sister called it taijutsu. Kimberly was a devout Naruto fan, as made obvious by her shirt. She got us hooked on the anime/manga, and Colette and I are about as enthusiastic about it as she is. When Kimberly first found out Colette and I took karate, Kimberly begged us to teach her so her dream of being a badass ninja could be closer to being fulfilled. She was an impressively fast learner, but still couldn't compete with our experience.

Colette and I eventually began wrestling in the overgrown grass. Kimberly challenged us to a Frisbee tournament, and Grandma declared herself the winner. She didn't even play… She started attacking me over it with her wicked karate skills while Colette danced around us, cheering for Grandma. Kimberly made Phoebe cheer for me. I ended up wrestling with Colette again. We were about as violent and messy as boys. We still liked to play in the mud, and Colette and I could drive! Well, _legally_ drive.

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><p>Colette, Kimberly, and I were sitting in a tree. The fireworks didn't start till 9 and guess what time it was? No estimates? Seven freaking thirty!<p>

"God, I'm bored!" Colette complained, fiddling with a twig.

"You mean Jashin, sensei," Kimberly corrected, looking up from a sketch.

"Oh yeah," said Colette. "Jashin-sama, hear my pleas for entertainment!"

I grinned, struck with inspiration for entertainment, "Hey, I've got an idea."

"What is it, Italy?" Colette looked down at me from her perch on the higher branch.

"Well, Colette-chan," I smiled up at her. "Mom brought strawberry jell-o and kool-aid, right?"

"Yeah…" Colette answered.

I smiled, "Maybe we need to pray to our god."

A mischievous smile lit up the blonde's face while Kimberly beamed at me and ran back to the picnic table, jumping about 7 feet from the tree, making Mom cringe. But being Kimberly she just smiled up at me evilly, unfazed by the fall, "I'll get it."

About five minutes later, we were standing in a patch of dirt with jell-o, kool-aid, and a fake knife. You know, the one type use in movies. Don't ask me why Grandma had it in her purse, but she did anyway...

Anyway, after testing the knife out on a tree to make sure I really didn't stab myself, I put some melted jell-o and kool-aid in little baggies over random places on my body. "'Kay, Kimberly, cover your ears!" I said. I dunno why since she was 14, just 2 years younger than us, but I did anyway.

"Whatever, sensei," Kimberly rolled her dark eyes.

I took a deep breath then yelled, "Listen up, fuckers! Listen to the word of Jashin-sama, you pathetic atheists!" Colette chuckled at this. It was one of her favorite insults. "Cower in the power of Jashin-sama, or consider your soul fucked and on a one way train to Hell!"

Colette was laughing madly, and I had started to attract attention. I began laughing maniacally like I could see Hidan doing in this situation then took the knife and plunged it into the jell-o bag on my hand. I started cackling madly at the onlookers reactions and let the jell-o drip onto the ground. As I drew the symbol in the dirt, I continued, "Now, fuckers, join me in the praise of the almighty Jashin-sama or be damned!"

I could see Grandma laughing with my parents. I have a terribly uncaring family. I continued anyway, amused by the confused onlookers. "Alright, dickheads, learn the word of Jashin-sama!" I spouted some random shit about Jashinism, "stabbing" myself several times to the horror of the onlookers. When I finally "stabbed" my heart, I swear at least 3 people screamed. My older family members were rolling around with laughter.

Colette finally came up to me after the onlookers figured out I hadn't committed suicide and put a hand on my shoulder, "Okay, Italy-chan, I believe these people are hopeless."

"Quite," I agreed.

I went back to the picnic table to be praised by my grandma for "exploiting the stupidity of the common folk." That's really what she told me…

My mom just rolled her eyes at our antics. She had been forced to endure several lectures on Naruto, and was familiar with and quite fond of Hidan.

"That was bloody brilliant!" my dad laughed, not quite sure what was going on. But since he seemed to hate people like most in my family, he was quite amused by the reactions of the onlookers.

Phoebe began licking the jell-o and kool-aid off me like the adorable puppy she is. She had a ring of red around her muzzle, scaring many random people.

While waiting for the fireworks, Colette managed to kidnap two children who were playing with Phoebe. She locked them in a port-o-potty with some candy so they would stay quiet. Their dad flipped out, but their mom seemed rather relieved that she didn't have to deal with them anymore. I highly doubt the kids got to see the fireworks that night.

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><p>Finally, after a good hour, the fireworks started. Kimberly, Colette, and I were on a grassy slope. There was a slight wind that combed through our hair and dragged the fireworks across the sky. When the first firework popped in the sky, I exclaimed, "Look! It's art!"<p>

Colette scoffed, "Art? Ha! Art lasts forever, to be enjoyed for all generations to come."

"Oh, really?" I continued the banter. "If you have something for eternity, how the hell are you ever going to appreciate it?"

"Ah, but you have all of time to enjoy!" Colette countered.

Our bicker in honor of our favorite nonexistent artists continued until Kimberly interrupted, "You two know what art _really_ is? Parfaits." Yep, that shut us up until the grand finally. When all of those went off, we were cheering and screeching like banshees caught in a bear trap.

We got a lot of weird looks once I decided to declare it true art and Colette countered. We ended up wrestling and screaming until Phoebe decided to join, successfully separating us. It was only a bit of a mess.

All good things come to an end eventually, I guess. It was nearing 11 o'clock, and the police were trying to kick us out. Grandma came up to us. "Girls, I'm afraid my son can't drive you back since he decided to drive a sports car here, and I can't really take you either since I also brought a sports car, so…"

Colette laughed, "That's okay, Grammy. Our bikes our just a couple blocks down."

"We can take Phoebe, too," I offered.

"Good girls!" Grandma patted our heads.

I collected Phoebe then told my parents that we were going to get our bikes. Colette and I set off to get our bikes. Colette and I debated which color of the rainbow was the most creative while we walked. Indigo won, by the way.

Colette convinced me to cut though an alley. That would be a decision I will look back to and regret and rejoice. The two of us were too busy discussing lions to notice the stray firework whistling strait at us.

"Holy Jashin-sama!" we both shrieked and turned away. Perhaps it wouldn't kill us, but I was in no mood to get third degree burns. Anyway, I was waiting for the explosion, heart pounding in my ears, but after a few seconds, I didn't hear an explosion. I just assumed it didn't just explode, but I'm not great with explosives. Slowly, I peaked at the explosive to see the most law-defying sight I'd yet to see.

The firework was suspended in the air, an explosion beginning to poke out of it like someone pressed the pause button on the universe. It was quite beautiful, really, with the white-hot light and the ash of the bindings barely detached.

That wasn't the only thing out of place, though. Phoebe was glaring at the firework, where she should have been cowering. That wasn't the real problem. Her eyes were… glowing… green… Just a bit odd, though something about the dog always has been.

But wait! There's more! Yep, things always come in threes. The third thing just happened to be a tall, rather handsome man in medieval sort of priest robes just down the alley. He wasn't quite glowing, but rather he had a golden aura about him that made him look like he glowed.

"Um, Colette," Colette was still cowering behind Phoebe, like she did at horror movies. When I spoke she opened an eye. Cue gasp! Well, or not. She just closed it again then opened them both.

She straitened herself and confronted the odd glowing man. "W-who are you?"

The man raised an eyebrow, obviously not expecting Colette to regain her composure so quickly. That's my Colette, my just about bipolar sort of sister! "Well," he began. "I wished to confront you about the ritual you preformed tonight."

I decided to speak up, "What? Did we scare you kid or something?"

"Well, you see," the man sighed, "I happened to be quite offended by it."

"Oh," I said. This man was giving me the creeps, and I'm pretty sure it was because he was glowing… or floating.

Colette, the sweetheart she is, apologized, "Sir, I can assure that my friend did not mean to offend you, and I apologize for letting her do so."

"Yeah, sorry," I added, clueless as always.

The man sighed again, "You do not understand."

"No, no I don't," I replied stupidly before Colette could open her mouth.

Again the man sighed, "Let me be as blunt as possible." I nodded and he continued. "I happen to be the god Jashin."

Cue gasp from Colette! Or not… Instead, she cocked her head to the side, "Excuse me, sir-er,_ lord_-but I do not understand how you were offended."

"Ah-ha!" I accused. "So that's who you are!" I got a peculiar look from the supposed Lord Jashin and a hiss from Colette. "What?" I laughed. "He never answered your question, Colette." She just rolled her eyes.

"Well, anyway," this _Jashin_ fellow cleared his throat and pulled a bag of jell-o from his robes. "when one does a ritual, I expect _blood_ not _this_… whatever _this_ is… Anyhow, I drink blood not _this_." Jashin waved the bag of jell-o for emphasis.

Colette gasped (finally), "So you're a vampire!"

"What? NO!" Jashin sighed for the umpteenth time. "It just gives me knowledge of the world- wait! You are sending me off on a tangent." Jashin pinched the bridge of his nose. "But back on track. What was I saying? Oh, yes! As I said, I do not appreciate being deprived of blood during rituals, so I sent this explosive to punish you," he gestured to the suspended firework. "That did not work since you are here to intervene." Jashin pointed an accusing finger at… Colette?

"Me!" Colette cried indignantly.

"No! The dog!" Jashin corrected.

"Phoebe?" said Colette, finally looking down to see the pup's glowing eyes. "Ah! Phoebe!"

The dog simply closed her eyes and sighed (what's with all the sighing today?), "Okay, Jashin-sama, you caught me."

Colette and I shared a gasp, "Phoebe!"

Phoebe glared up at us, showing slits of green, "Yeah, I can talk. Get used to it. Oof! DON'T DROP ME, DAMNIT!"

Colette looked down at the dog sheepishly, "Heh, sorry!"

"Ah-hem," Jashin cleared his throat. "Back to me."

"Sorry," I said.

Jashin continued, "Alright, since the dog intervened, I will have to go with my second option of punishment."

"Wh-what is it?" Colette asked nervously, picking Phoebe back up.

"I am going to send you somewhere so you can give me all the blood I need," the god said.

"Where?" I asked, suspicions already flitting through my mind.

Jashin smiled slightly, "A place you may know as the world of Naruto."

Colette and I exchanged a glance before breaking into roars of laughter. I managed to get out, "A punishment? That'd be paradise!"

Jashin snorted, "Whatever."

Colette composed herself, the reality of the storybook-like situation sinking in, "Well, he's got a point, I guess. We can't speak, forget read, Japanese, and we don't have any chakra."

"Oh…" Maybe it wouldn't be such a great thing after all…

Jashin laughed, "Oh, no! I do not intend to leave you powerless or unable to communicate! I need blood, remember?"

A sparkle came to Colette's eyes and my excitement returned. She smiled, "You are going to give us chakra?"

"Well, activate the system," Jashin looked a bit confused by our excitement. "You have the system; it just does not make chakra yet."

I asked rapidly, "Ooh! Can I get ice type chakra! No wait! I want storm!"

Colette continued bombarding him with questions, "Can I get the Sharingan? No wait! The Rinnegan!"

"I want the Byakugan!"

"Wait no; I want that kid's bloodline with the bones and stuff!"

"Wait! I want the 3rd Kazekage's bloodline!"

Jashin's eyebrows twitched with irritation, "No! I mean, I cannot. I would have to change your DNA for that to be possible. Though, I suppose I could be a bit lenient…"

"So I can get the Rinnegan?"

"And I get that crazy bone bloodline?"

"No," Jashin sighed. He really was nicer than I thought, what with him putting up with us and all. "I could perhaps change your element since it has yet to be decided. You know of those I suppose?"

"YES!" Colette cheered. "Can I get water? No, fire! Wait, lightning! Yeah, can I get lightning?"

"Yes, child," scratch that, Jashin was the nicest guy ever. _I am _not_ going to mind worshiping him, _I thought. "And you?" he asked me.

"Um…" I took my time choosing, indecisive as ever, "Wind!"

"Hey!" Colette exclaimed. "You just chose that because I chose lightning! Can I change mine?"

Jashin chuckled, "Sorry! But we have wasted enough time. I believe your dog is about to give." I couldn't help but notice the way he spat out dog. "Now I must send you two off!" He began making handsigns, "Now you two are going to feel tired at first, but that is only because you will not have much chakra."

I would have been thinking that we didn't have any chakra to begin with, so why would we be tired, but it just so happened that our world was fading, being replaced the rough sketch of a forest.

Colette seemed to be taking the whole thing well; she was just looking around curiously. If not for her dropping Phoebe, I would have thought she was fine. Our world was fading, and the sketched world became more vivid. Once I could barely see the ghost of our world, I noticed Phoebe's eyes revert to their typical dark brown. I heard a faint pop and felt a slight heat on my chest. _Must be the firework._ I thought from somewhere in the back of my mind.

The forest finally came into clear view. It perhaps would have been a normal forest was it not for the thin black lines outlining everything, even me. I felt an unfamiliar weight around my neck, and I looked down to see a familiar symbol, a Jashinist rosary. I looked over to see Colette inspecting hers.

Colette looked up. Something about her was off. It was her eyes. As I said before, she has unusually large eyes, but since we just got sucked into an anime, they were imaginably huge. But that wasn't all. In reality, they're an odd green-grey, but now they were… brighter. It was almost like someone took the ridiculous lime green from paint shop and splashed it on her irises.

Colette was giving me the same bizarre look that I was likely giving her at the moment. "What?" I said.

"You look different," Colette said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, which I guess it was.

"Well, yeah, you do, too," I rolled my eyes.

"Duh!" Colette rolled her disturbingly green eyes. "I mean your hair is blonde again and your eyes are… brighter."

I grabbed my long pony tail and it was, in fact, dirty blonde again. I screamed in horror. I loved my blue hair! But wait! "What do you mean my eyes are brighter?"

"Here," Colette handed me a mirror. I gasped once my reflection came into veiw. My eyes had, like Colette's, been enhanced. As I mentioned my eyes are different colors from each other: one is purple-blue and the other green-blue. The difference _was _subtle but now it wasn't: one was a vivid violet while the other was a shocking teal.

"Ugh," I handed Colette her mirror back in disgust at my "enhanced" appearance. "Here you go."

Colette took back in her mirror, "Thank you."

We both paused. She did _not _just speak English. It was "Japanese," we both whispered. Colette ruined the tense moment by looking in the mirror and discovering what happened to her eyes.

"Oh Jashin!" she screamed. Yeah, Colette was a tad self-conscious, especially when it came to her eyes. We shared an awkward moment of her staring at her eyes in the mirror with horror until she broke the finally broke the silence, "Hey aren't we suppose to be tired?"

"Yeah…"

"I don't feel tired at all," a wide smile spread across Colette's face. "In fact I feel like I just got back from Starbucks!"

I thought about it for a second. I felt… energized! It was amazing! It was chakra! I think…

I didn't have time to think, though, because Colette happened to be running some random direction. "C'mon, Italy!"

I laughed and ran after her, rosary pounding against my chest. This was an interesting twist in my life.

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><p><strong>Oh dear. It seems like they forgot about Phoebe…<strong>

**So what did you think? Was it worth your time to read? Was it incredible? Was it terrible? Was it so bad you want to stalk me and eat my first born son? If that's it, it must have been pretty bad since I'm not old enough to go around bearing my first son, but whatever.**

**OK! So that was my first attempt at fanfiction. I know the plot's a bit (a LOT) overused, but I tried to make it so that their purpose in the land o' Naruto was more than that the T.V. ate them... Oh, yeah! The names were totally random! Sorry if you hate them or whatever.**

**Well, I'm rambling. So I'd love you if you would review and all that jazz even if it's just to point out some huge error like butchered grammar and such. I'll try to put up the next chapter by tomorrow.**

**Okay! Love you guys! Review! :D**


	2. You Can't Survive by Your Wits Alone

**All right here's the promised chapter two! It's shorter than the last one, but yeah…**

**Thank you soooo much, TheBlackCat01! Your review made my day! :D**

**Disclaimer! I do not own Naruto, Dilbert, Phineas and Ferb, Time Warner Cable, or anything else I may have missed. I DO, however, own the three OC's and some graphite! That counts for something, right?**

**Chapter Two! You Can't Survive by Your Wits Alone**

**xXxColette's POVxXx **

"C'mon, Italy!" I called out to my friend who was just standing there dumbly. She probably thought I was running just for the sake of it. Well, I do enjoy running, but mostly it was just so I could straighten out my thoughts.

You see, I think the best when I run; the adrenaline clears my mind and I can run to the edge of forever without stopping due to my long legs. The clear from running wasn't coming, though. Instead I could only feel what I assumed was my chakra fizzing in the bottom stomach.

What I assumed to be the chakra felt like the warmth you get in your stomach that makes you want to do an embarrassing happy dance. I furrowed my brows. This was not what I had imagined chakra to be. I was expecting a raw sort of power like what adrenaline gives you as opposed to this light, fluffy feeling.

Fluffy…

That wasn't the first thing that came to mind when thinking of ninjas.

But back to reality, or what I assumed was reality. You see, I've never had a good sense of reality, and I often suffered from hallucinations when I was younger. I have a bit too vivid of an imagination to say the least.

Oh me and tangents!

Back on track! I was running through this forest at a relatively quick pace. I realized all the screaming from earlier might attract some unwanted attention from bandits or –dare I say it?- pedophiles! I squinted, trying to make out some shapes with the moonlight.

The trees were huge and the thick summer canopy let little moonlight sift through. A light breeze brushed my face while the full moon hung behind me. The rosary beating against my chest and my feet pounding on the dirt finally gave me the rhythm to zone out to.

I furrowed my brow in frustration. I couldn't entirely zone out as I usually do. I kept noticing things that I normally wouldn't -even in daylight- like a rustle in the bushes or an owl gliding above me or the presence a couple of yards behind me.

I turned around to see Italy struggling to keep up due to her shorter legs. She called out, "Hey, wait up!"

I rolled my eyes and slowed down a bit. Italy was really the only one I would "wait up" for when I'm running. She caught up in a couple of seconds and asked, "What's with you running off like that?"

I shrugged, not in the best mood. My running doesn't appreciate being disturbed –not even by my almost sister. Italy picked up on my bad mood, knowing very well how I feel about my running.

We just sort of ran in a comfortable silence for a while, neither of us talkative by nature. Besides, I could only focus on my chakra. It felt fluffy as it did before but it was like there was more of it. The more I honed in on it, the more I could feel a distant crackle in it. It was almost like a stormy cloud or white noise…

I was almost one with my chakra by the time Italy decided to ruin it by speaking, "Um, Colette, why _are_ we running?"

I stopped abruptly. I was pretty sure we'd been running for half an hour or so, so there was no real reason to continue because of our earlier shrieks. I shook my head, trying to get rid of my bad mood, "I dunno, Italy-chan, I dunno."

Italy just snorted irritably and sat on a nearby rock. It was still for a long time until I decided to sit beside Italy. She had her hands over her face so I couldn't read her emotions too well. At the very least she seemed upset or confused. She sighed heavily. "This is all going too weird."

I smiled. Italy had a much tighter grip and more tenacious on reality than I did. Though that isn't saying anything since I barely have a grip on it to begin with and the one I do have sure as hell ain't tenacious… I could only guess Italy, the control freak she is, must be thoroughly annoyed by this situation. Come to think of it, civilization was nowhere to be seen and we had about zero experience with the great outdoors. It might be a bit of a problem…

"Well, shit," I said vaguely, leaning back on the rock to look up at the stars. They really were gorgeous tonight in this foreign but familiar world.

Italy turned to look at me, light catching in her eyes, "You're too easy-going for your own good."

"Yep," Little did I know how true that would be in the future.

I guess I had drifted off because the sunshine was waking me up. I opened my eyes to see a cheery forest. _So not a dream after all, _I thought, stretching. I was not particularly bothered by my whole world changing; I'm too easy-going for that.

I looked over to see Italy still asleep and curled on a ball on the ground. I groaned slightly, realizing I forgot supper last night.

That wasn't the real problem, though. No the real mystery was where Phoebe was. Wait, she came with us, right? Oh, well…

I started my regular morning yoga routine to get out any kinks in my muscles from sleep. This was another one of these things that usually let me zone out, but of course, my chakra was there to ruin the moment. It was buzzing about in my stomach, but it felt like there was even more in there than last night.

Downward facing dog… Upward facing dog… Warrior's pose…

I went through all these poses and more before I finally saw Italy stir. "Mornin' sunshine!" I chirped.

"Hey, Colette," Italy mumbled, yawning. "Ugh, I'm hungry," Italy whined. She got up and walked around a bit. "So we really are in this world," she said, not really to me in specific.

I brushed out my hair, humming happily before a thought crossed my mind, "Hey, where's Phoebe?"

"I have no idea," Italy said, looking through her purse for something or other. "I hope she gets here soon, though; she might know where the hell we are."

As if on cue, a wild Phoebe tumbled through a random bush with a bunny dangling limply from her jaws. "Oh there you are, Phoebe!" I smiled at the dog. "We were just talking about you!"

Phoebe dropped the rabbit and grunted, "I heard."

Italy's eyes widened, not yet used to her dog's talking, but that could be expected of someone who hasn't suffered from hallucinations her whole life. I just laughed, "Oh, Phoebe! Did you get breakfast for us?"

"Yeah," Phoebe said. I feel the irritation coming off from the dog in waves.

"Aw! Who's a good girl?" I tested my luck by crouched in front of the dog and patted her head, taking the rabbit. I'm not the world's greatest outdoorsman but I can sure as hell cook!

"Don't patronize me," Phoebe growled. I shrugged and backed away from the dog. If Phoebe could talk, I assumed she would be like Donkey or at least chipper, but not so grumpy. It must have been a façade or something 'cause I'm pretty good at picking up on emotions, even in animals.

"Yo, Italy, do you have a lighter in your purse?" I asked.

Italy blinked slowly, confused at the random question, "Um, no."

"Well," I laughed reaching into my purse. "good thing I have one, then!"

Italy and Phoebe sweatdropped, this being an anime and all. I shrugged and cooked the poor little bunny.

After our pathetic excuse for breakfast was done, we decided that a group meeting was in order. Well, Phoebe said we should, and I decided it was better not to cross this new Phoebe.

Phoebe sat on the rock all prim and proper-like, looking like she had never set foot outside in her whole life. Italy and I were sitting on the surprisingly comfortable ground, quite a bit more disheveled than Phoebe but clean thanks to a nearby stream.

"So," I started, focusing on Phoebe.

"So," Italy added sagely.

"Alright," Phoebe said, "You two are a bit familiar with this world, which I suppose is an advantage, but you will, obviously, have to keep some information secure so as not to screw up the balance and such. I know you two are smart enough to figure that much out for yourselves."

Italy, impatient as always, pressed, "Can you just get on with this?"

I glared at Italy, a bit wary of the family dog at the moment.

"Sorry, sorry," Italy laughed, noticing my glare.

Phoebe cleared he throat, "Ah-hem! I'll make this quick for you, Italy-chan. As I was saying, you can't survive by your wits alone, but your abilities in fighting _are_ passable. You could single-handedly take on a couple of genin or perhaps a pathetic chunin or two. If you two work together, you _might_ be able to take down a relatively dumb jonin if luck's on your side. I stress the might, though. Anyway, your taijutsu, speed, and stamina are definitely above average. I'm guessing you both are quite smart, too. However, all other abilities are nearly nonexistent."

Italy huffed, "Are you taking this somewhere anytime soon?"

"Italy," I warned.

Phoebe continued, eyes dangerous slits, "I was going to say that I could help you train the skills that don't exist in your world, but if you'd rather die…"

"Okay, sorry! Jashin!" Italy grumbled.

"Good," Phoebe continued. "Well, as I said, I will train you two so Jashin gets his blood," Phoebe looked away from us as if she was embarrassed, and her voice became softer. "and, well, I don't really like people that much, but you two and Kimberly are… _different. _I want to make sure nothing happens to either of you because I just… I don't think I could live with myself if that happened." Phoebe's gaze snapped back to us, a fire in them I didn't think any dog could have. "I will train you two so that no unnecessary harm befalls on you. Sounds good?"

The wind blew the leaves about in the dramatic way they always do when important shit happens in Naruto. Italy and I nodded enthusiastically, ready our whole lives to learn _real_ ninja arts.

Phoebe brought us to a nearby clearing that had a beautiful, clear stream bisecting it. "Alright, ladies," she announced, harsh edge back in her voice. "The first jutsu I shall teach you is the clone jutsu. This is one of the basic jutsus taught at the Academy."

Phoebe flicked her tail a bit and two large hands were projected above her. "Now you two know of hand seals, but I doubt you know how to properly utilize them."

Italy and I both mumbled, "No."

"I thought so," Phoebe mumbled something inaudible under her breath. I assumed it was something about how difficult this would be judging by her personality thus far. "Okay, today I will not teach you of all the hand seals today. Today I will just teach those you need for this jutsu."

The hands above Phoebe formed a hand seal. The two hands grasped each other. Two fingers on the left hand pointed up with the right thumb. "This is the first seal for the jutsu. It's called Ram. Try it."

Italy and I tried making the seal. I did a bit better than her as I got it on the first try. Phoebe helped Italy position her fingers right while I practiced making Ram more quickly. Within five minutes we both had it committed to memory.

The hands above Phoebe shifted to the next seal in the jutsu. The two hands' fingers were interlaced and they made a sort of block. Phoebe said, "This is the second seal, Snake. Please note that this is often used in earth jutsus so if you see it, expect an earth style attack."

Italy and I both got the seal instantly, since it was a simpler, less complicated hand seal than Ram. Snake, too, was now committed to my memory.

The hands again shifted to form the next seal. The thumb and index fingers pointed up on both hands while the rest of the fingers were laced together. It looked like a Ram-Snake hybrid to me. Phoebe announced, "This is the third and final hand seal for the clone jutsu. It's called Tiger and is usually used in fire element manipulation, FYI."

I got this seal before Italy. I guess I made the connection of the apparent cross between Ram and Snake or was just better than her. For the sake of my ego, I'm going with the second. I committed Tiger to memory in a few minutes. I knew ¼ of the hand seals now! Hooray!

"Alright, ladies," Phoebe said. "Now we've got to put this all together. You will perform one hand seal after the other to create illusions of yourself. Don't expect it to work on your first try. Don't even expect it to work on your thirty-first try, seeing as you have no prior training. Now you will just let the hand seals maneuver your chakra; you don't have to think about that part. Your body will do it subconsciously like how it conducts homeostasis. While you're doing this just focus on your chakra and try to focus on moving a small piece of it away from your body. Get it? Got it? Good! GO!"

I formed the hand seals quickly one after another while trying to focus on and move my chakra. It was a hell of a lot harder than I expected! As I expected, though, nothing happened on my first go.

I tried a good couple of dozen times. By the twenty-something-eth attempt, I didn't even have to think about making the hand seals for the jutsu. They had by then been etched into my brain. With no longer needing to focus so much on the hand seals, I put more effort into moving/ controlling/ whatever my chakra. The only problem really was that I had no idea how to move my chakra.

I tried focusing on it and visualizing an orb of blue move away from a much larger orb. When I got the fluffy feeling in my stomach to twitch slightly, my heart nearly leapt out of my throat. Over the course of the many attempts, I managed to get a clump of chakra from the rest of it. At least I think I did… I worked with this piece moving it further away from the rest.

On my 53rd attempt I was close to giving up, but I knew I wouldn't 'till I got results. I'm tenacious like that. And 'lo and behold, Jashin decided to bless the number 53!

_Okay! _I thought. _Attempt number 53! Alright little bit of chakra, to the left, to the left! Ram-Snake-Tiger!_ I heard a tiny poof and to my left was an embarrassing replica of me. It was worse than Naruto's clone at his genin exam, but hey a clone's a clone and beggars can't be choosers and other cliché shit like that.

My eyes widened in surprise and I jumped up cheering childishly with very unchildish vocabulary, "Yeah! I made a clone, bitches! Suck my metaphorical dick!"

Italy sighed dejectedly, hopefully jealous of my accomplishment . It took her 72 attempts to make her first clone whereas I could already make a decent one that didn't look like shit! _Yeah,_ I thought, _I'm better than you, Italy._

**Of course you are Colette, of course you are.**

**Fun Fact: Colette plays the saxophone and piano. Italy sings. I have more of these random quirks on the profiles I wrote up for them that I'll put up throughout the story!**

**Anyways, this chapter wasn't really that funny to me and it wasn't quite as long as the first chapter, but I wanted for this chapter to be mostly about building up the OCs' personalities and to hint at their abilities for the future. Phoebe's was mentioned some in the last chapter and I hinted a bit on Colette's in this one. It was really subtle and just a sentence or two, but if you can guess it, kudos to you! Next chapter will start to hint some at Italy's. The fun of guessing their element is gone though… :( **

**Okay, the stuff about chakra was more or less my interpretation of what it would be like. I always wondered how ninjas knew that their chakra was running out and stuff. I'll try to add some action and sacrificing next chapter. **

**Sorry for the mood-swingyness of the chapter and all. There are a couple of random references in the chapter. I'll give you a virtual scone if you can guess any of them. *cough*lookatthedisclaimer*cough* **

**Alright, I'll try to get some canon characters in here soon, but I still haven't decided what part of the plot line/ what village I'm going to have the troop of Oc's barge in on. If you have any preferences you can tell me. Sadly, this probably won't happen for a couple of chapters. On the up side, though, I have nothing much to do so the updates will be as frequent as I can manage. I might even get chapter 3 up later today.**

**Okay, so reviews make me excited and such, so I'll update sooner even if it's just one word or an emoticon! Constructive criticism is very much welcome and appreciated. And flames? I eat those for breakfast! Not really, that's disgusting.**

'**Kay! Love ya guys! I'll update ASAP! **


	3. Rainbow Bridge

**Holy Jashin-sama! I've had a long day! I was at a fencing tournament all morning. Yep, fencing. With the swords. It makes me feel powerful! I did pretty well, if you're wondering.**

**Okay, thank you glustora and YukoxxxIchikawa for your awesome reviews. They were… awesome! Thank you to everyone who fav'd this story and put it on alert.**

**As promised, there is action and sacrificing in this chapter! Enjoy, lovelies!**

**Chapter Three! Rainbow Bridge **

**Disclaimer! I own a ball-point pen named Fred. I do not, however, own Naruto. **

**xXxItaly's POVxXx**

I leaned back in the grass of the clearing. The sunshine felt nice. I looked up to see a powdery blue sky with white wisps of cloud dotted here and there. Leaves blew about the clearing. I gave up trying to figure out why perfectly healthy leaves were blown around at emotional and/or calm moments.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. It had long since reverted back to its old wavy self; straitening irons only work for so long.

Anyway, it had been three days since we got here. It was… July 7th, I think. Phoebe had been training Colette and I nearly non-stop for the past three days. In that time, I got the hang of the clone jutsu, the substitution jutsu, somewhat understood the henge, and vaguely grasped the concept of the rope escape jutsu. Colette had these jutsus down better than me, especially the rope technique, due to her superior chakra control.

For some Jashin-damned reason, ropes decided they just would not let me go. They either absolutely adored me and wanted to give me a hug forever or they absolutely abhorred me and wanted to keep me from moving forever. Whichever it was, they would not work for me. Phoebe said it was "incredibly peculiar" for that to happen since I had defiantly above average chakra control. She theorized that the goddess of ropes smote me.

Yeah, rope is controlled by a goddess. I was surprised, too. According to Phoebe her name is Ruth and she has a big butt. The details that dog gives me…

Phoebe had decided it was time to train the two of us with "real" ninja weapons (i.e. shuriken, kunai, and senbon). I could use a bow and arrow pretty well, but apparently a bow was classified as a "fake" weapon.

Just about 5 minutes ago, Phoebe left us in the clearing to fend for ourselves. She left us with a, _"Well, ladies, I'm gonna fetch us some real weapons for you to learn how to use. I trust that you can fend for yourselves for a couple of hours without getting yourselves raped or mugged?"_

Phoebe still disturbed me with her newfound skill of talking; it wasn't exactly the talking itself that bothered me, but what she says with the ability. I really didn't think the beloved family dog could be so… bitter.

"Hello, Italy-chan!" chirped Colette from the edge of the large clearing. She had a random bouquet of flowers in her hand. She ran up to me and sat next to me by the stream. She stuck her feet in the shallow stream and splashed the clear water a bit.

"Well, hello there, Colette-chan," I said. Colette smiled at me and started ripping the petals of the flowers off. "Uh…"

Colette giggled and threw a handful of pink flower petals in the air, "It's windy; I like to watch the petals blow around."

I sweatdropped. Colette never ceased to amaze me with her… quirks no matter how well I knew her.

We sat by the stream for a good hour or two in comfortable silence just enjoying the perfect weather. It was warm out, but there was a cool breeze which carried the nice, fresh forest smell and peals of birdsong on it. I watched a bright red dragonfly hover over the stream. It was pretty, so red…

Colette, for once, broke the pleasant silence. She looked up from the stream and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, "What, Italy? I didn't quite catch that."

"Huh?" I responded cleverly.

"You said something, and I didn't hear what you said," Colette explained.

"Oh," I said.

"So what did you say?" Colette pressed.

"Oh! I didn't say anything! Sure your hallucinations aren't just acting up again?" I said.

"Yes," Colette huffed and turned her attention back to the stream. She gasped, "There it is again!"

"Where's what again?" I asked.

"That sound! At first I thought it was you talking, but…" Colette suddenly turned around, but a bit too late. "Holy Jashin-sama!" she screamed then disappeared.

"Colette!" I shrieked and jumped up to face whatever the hell just snatched her. I turned around to face ten of the ugliest men I have ever had the… misfortune… to look upon. They all sneered at me at the same time as if they'd trained to sneer simultaneously. One of the -thankfully less atrocious- men had her slung over his shoulder like she was a rag doll, and that was saying something since Colette was 5'7 or so.

Once the ten were done with sneering at me, three stepped up, drawing their rusty blades. The smallest of the trio who still was a good 6 feet tall said in a ridiculously high pitch voice, "We'll get this one, boss!"

The other two men who had stepped up nodded while the other seven left took off to the… east. I'd have to remember that after I finished with these three thugs!

I put a cocky smirk on my face as I slipped into a battle ready position. I wasn't that confident, really, but I wouldn't let them know that. I wasn't going to let these thugs win either, ninja or not, but I was pretty sure _they_ were ninja.

The fat, bald man to the left of the short one suddenly lunged at me, a feral snarl escaping his lips. I quite easily sidestepped the obvious, slow attack, but he turned on his heal to face me just as easily. He brought the blade down in another wide ark and impaled it about an inch into the rock where I just stood moments earlier.

"Hey, Etsuo, you ain't supposed to kill her!" the short one exclaimed.

Etsuo laughed while forcing the blade from the rock, "Sorry, Hideo."

I jumped away from the stream, knowing I could not yet walk on water. I was trying to gather my thoughts and form a plan while the short one, Hideo, lunged at me, sword drawn. I sidestepped it as easily as I had Etsuo's attack and sent a roundhouse kick at the shortest man.

Hideo skidded over the grass and onto the stream. He didn't sink into the stream, so my suspicions were confirmed; the three were ninjas!

The tallest of the three, a skinny man whose face I couldn't see due to a hood casting a shadow over his face, finally made a move, a rather clumsy move, but a move nonetheless. He ran straight for me, stumbling a bit over his feet. When he got right in front of me, he tripped a bit, giving me enough time to slip behind him.

The tall man whipped around, sword leading him. I barely dodged in time. In fact, the sword caught my shirt and ripped it a bit. "Hey!" I cried. "I thought you were trying to keep me alive!"

"We are, little girl," said someone from _right _behind me. I felt, and sadly smelt, his warm, nasty breath on my neck. I narrowed my eyes and adjusted my posture, now on pissed off mode. He called me short, –well I _am_, I'm 5'3- and he molested my personal bubble.

I'll let you in on a little secret. My personal bubble is like the average person: it doesn't like being molested by strangers. Now when this happens, it usually sends me on pissed of mode. Now, in pissed off mode I'm capable of things only above average ninjas are capable of such as what I just did.

Now at this man's, Hideo I guessed from the squeaky voice, closeness to me I twitched and squeaked, "Personal bubble." Then, with a snarl, I grabbed his arm and swung him in a circle over my head. I flung him onto the ground where his tall friend had been standing.

I cruelly jumped onto him, landing on his excessive stomach. "Oh, god! Hideo!" Etsuo cried out. "What're you doing, girl?"

I dug my heel into Hideo's stomach to turn around while I formed some hand seals. I smiled smugly, now behind a tree to the east. I had perfectly executed the substitution jutsu, and I had no intention of staying to see what happened with me as a log, I had to get out of here as soon as I could.

As I began running to the east I calculated that the log me could evade for about five minutes until it ran out of the chakra I had supplied it with. I was pretty good at evasion, so I don't think they'd find out about the substitution anytime soon. My strategy was basically to not be hit and to outlast them. I had impressive stamina from my competitiveness with marathons. Colette and I were more or less tied: she could run faster but I could run longer.

I ran for only about three minutes before the unthinkable happened: ambush. Yep, six of the thugs jumped me while I was jumping over a log.

Now you're probably expecting for me to have done some epic roundhouse kick and knocked them all out or whatever, but the problem in that these thugs were ninja and that ninjas are quiet. Me not being a ninja meant that I still had normal person senses and wasn't exactly able to detect the attack beforehand.

I don't quite remember reaching the ground after I hopped into the air. I'm guessing some guy's fist connected with my head, knocking me out, before my body connected with the ground…

**xXxPhoebe's POVxXx**

I came back to the clearing where I was sure I had left my girls. I had left them for about two hours and they were not in the clearing where I told them _specifically _to stay. They weren't there, so I scanned the surrounding are for them. There was absolutely no trace of them.

There was, however, trace of a battle.

I dropped the scroll of weapon I had… obtained… between two rocks so no one else would come around to steal them. I sighed, exasperated, and began to search for traces of chakra.

I sensed some of Italy's chakra on the ground. There was just a small amount, so it must have been a weak jutsu. I chastised myself, _Of course Italy preformed a weak jutsu! Those are the only type she _can_ perform!_

I sighed, catching a bit more of Italy's chakra to the east. I reasoned that she must have preformed a substitution jutsu, seeing as any teleportation jutsu was a bit out of her league. I went over to the second patch of chakra and followed her scent. _Every time! _I thought.

**xXxBack to ItalyxXx**

I opened my eyes, not quite sure why they were closed to begin with. My eyes were privileged by the beautiful sight of a cave wall. I stared at it blankly and slowly recalled the events of today: Phoebe leaving for a while, the thug attack, and of course the bloody rope goddess Ruth.

I listened for the sign of the aforementioned thugs. All I heard was the slow crackle of fire, the faint rush of a violent wind, and the constant hum of crickets. I closed my eyes, hearing someone shift. This made me notice the itchy pressure around my wrists.

_Is it?_ I opened my eyes and strained them to look at my wrists. I had to suppress a gasp. _It is!_ Yes, my mortal enemy was wrapped around my wrist. No, not Ruth, but her disgusting minions: rope.

I think I just found another thing that forces me into pissed off mode. That would be contact with rope. Yep, within five minutes of being conscious, I was already pissed. That more or less summed up all of my morning, though, but I was pretty sure that this wasn't morning.

In one smooth motion, I flipped onto my other side, regretting it slightly due to a rock jabbing my sensitive side. I ignored the pain and scanned my surroundings.

I confirmed that I was in a small cave, that there was a fire, and that it was night time. Eight of the thugs were sleeping around a fire. The man on guard duty was the tallest man who stayed behind to fight me whose name I didn't quite catch. He was crouching by the mouth of the cave.

I could see a waning gibbous moon suspended in all of its celestial glory. A ring of stars I couldn't name surrounded it like a halo.

Something finally clicked. My head was not throbbing like all the other times it has when I'd been knocked out. Besides for the rock in my side I felt fine.

The tall man said, "You were given a drug if you're wondering."

I snapped back, in pissed off mode because of contact with rope, "Then why'd you have tied me up with a bloody rope!"

"Precautions," he responded coolly, not even flinching from my harsh tone.

I snarled and started thrashing around, determined to free myself of these damned ropes.

"That won't work, those ropes suppress chakra," he said. I don't know much about guarding, but I'm pretty sure he was doing a pretty bad job at it.

I thrashed even more, feeling the ropes slacken the slightest bit. I hissed, "I don't need any Jashin-damned chakra!"

"Why yes you do," he retorted. "You'd die without it."

I gave another vicious snarl, "You don't know anything!"

Okay, I have discovered that these thugs are failures at kidnapping. To begin with, they can't keep a girl drugged. Well, they didn't entirely fail that since they probably kept me out for about five hours. Anyway, they can't tie a decent knot. That in itself isn't an issue. However, if it's paired with a crappy guard, it's a definite problem.

Why do I say they can't tie a decent knot? Well, it only took me about seven minutes of flailing around like a dropped fish to loosen the ropes enough to slip (i.e. force) the Jashin-damned objects off my wrist.

"It seems you've figured out that you can't get out," the guard said smugly once I'd gotten the ropes off and stopped flailing around like a diseased squirrel.

"Whatever," I snorted, the ropely contact still having me worked up. I stood up as quietly as I could. I grabbed the rock that was shanking my side. It was quite a large stone, perfect for my intention. I slunk over to the guard. I giggled lightly, making the guard whip around a bit too late, "Jashin-sama, I hope you like this!"

The guard could only gasp as I smashed the rock onto his skull. A crack went up the rock. Yeah, I had muscle. Anyway, my sacrifice screamed a bit before I got him with my rock, successfully waking the rest of the cave.

I was ashamed that these men were called ninja. The guard didn't even have quick enough reactions to dodge the rock, and the rest weren't woken by my flailing. _Jashin-sama won't be pleased, _I thought.

Anyway, I don't want to go into detail about the other eight. I'm a bit ashamed of my rash, violent actions now that I look back on it, but I'd never tell Jashin-sama about that.

At the moment, I was sitting on the edge of the cliff the cave opened onto, looking over the vista. It was a very pleasant view; the top of the forest was a deep green with little glowing dots of distant villages spread out here and there. It was almost like the night time sky. I could see a mountain range spread out in front of me, lumps of trees crawling up them. The sky was fading to grey. Rosy streaks appeared between two mountains. I could see the tip of the sun poking above a valley, throwing streaks of light over the top of the forest. Overall, it was a breathtaking view.

Honestly, I felt remorse for those thugs I just sacrificed, but I knew I would have to suck it up soon. One of the thugs had left the group, my Colette with him. That meant I would have to find her _and _Phoebe. I had no idea where I was in this world, and I had only seen the map a couple of times.

I sighed. Beside for the need to get my act together to find my sort of sister and dog, I was a Jashinist. I understood that I had been sent to the Naruto universe to get blood for Jashin-sama. I also understood that Jashinism was centered on relentless slaughter, and that remorse was unacceptable if Jashin-sama was to accept me as a follower and keep me in this world for long enough to meet my favorite characters in person.

That made me wonder what part of the plot I was in. Hopefully it was at the beginning so I could meet -and perhaps save- Zabuza and-

My thoughts were interrupted by my rosary humming. I picked the symbol up between my fingers. In the triangle an image began to flicker to life. It was… a mouth?

The mouth began to move, to speak! "Italy-chan?"

"Y-yes?" I managed to get out.

The mouth smirked, "I was wondering when you would get around to sacrificing."

"J-Jashin-sama?" I asked.

The mouth smiled, "Yes. This is the first time you have communicated like this, yes?"

"Yes, Jashin-sama," I said, trying my best not to seem upset.

Jashin's smile dropped a bit, "What is wrong, child? Are you upset about the sacrifices?"

I sighed, "To be honest, I am a bit upset."

"I shall be lenient for the first few sacrifices, but you will have to start acting like a ninja and Jashinist if you wish to survive in this world. I do understand how hard it is on your emotions to kill for the first time, though," Jashin said. It was almost as if he was a father comforting a child, but I didn't know any person in my world who would _truly_ encourage someone to kill.

I looked away from the mouth, recalling harsh memories, "Jashin-sama, I have actually… I've… Ugh!"

Jashin's mouth frowned, "What child."

My eyes flickered to the bright splashes of red in the sunrise. It reminded me a bit too much of blood, of… "I _have _killed someone before!" I cried out. That's the first time I ever admitted that to someone. The only other person who knew was Colette because she was there.

What happened was that, about a year ago, Colette and I were coming home from an activity that ran late. It was around midnight, and we were stupidly going through the alley behind the local bar. Of course, we happened to stumble upon an idiot who was drunk off his ass roaming back there. He stupidly made a move on Colette, and I gave him a punch in the face in return. I only meant to give him a bloody nose, but I guess some pieces of bone got stuck in his brain. The man collapsed and all I could remember was the blood, Colette checking his pulse, and the blood. I could still hear Colette screaming _"You killed him! He was just a sorry bastard out for a drink and you killed him!"_ I locked myself in my room for about a week after that. Colette still covered up for me, saying I was just PMSing.

I shuttered thinking about it, a little cloud forming over my head. _Angst. Angst. Angst… _

Jashin started laughing, "Italy-chan! That is absolutely wonderful! I am so proud of you!"

All I could do was sweatdrop. Seriously, I was starting to think of this man as a father figure and… well, yeah…

"Alright, child," Jashin continued. "those were not amazing sacrifices, but they come from a large group that is working to wipe out Jashinism. I want for you to track down the members of this organization, but find Colette first. I am _very_ protective of my children. Anyway, the name of this organization is called 'Nijihashi'. They are a charity organization of mercenary ninja based in the Leaf. I shall more thoroughly inform you of this group once you retrieve Colette."

"Yes, Jashin-sama," I nodded. "Hey, do you know where Colette _is_ exactly."

"Give me a moment," Jashin was silent for a couple of seconds. "Yes, I believe she is in the Village Hidden in the Leaves at the Nijihashi headquarters."

I suppressed a groan. _Every_ OC I read about went to Konoha. But I do want to know where the plot line was…

"Okay," I smiled. "Thank you, Jashin-sama."

"My pleasure, child," He smiled. "It should be about three hours to the west. Phoebe should be able to guide you," I cringed a bit with the edge he said my dog's name. "Just start traveling now and she will catch up you soon."

I smiled a genuine smile, hoping He would be able to see it, "Thank you, Jashin-sama!"

My angst from the sacrifices was starting to fade, if it made Him happy, it made me happy… I think. Oh well, what was done was done.

I left a note for Phoebe on the ground that said _"Going to Konoha to fetch Colette. See you soon! " _smiley face and all. I was starting to understand why someone might want to destroy this religion. I think I'd do about anything for Jashin and I barely knew him.

I think I've found my god. Maybe If I get Him to like me, He'll destroy Ruth for me…

**Maybe, Italy, maybe!**

**Okay! Another Italy chapter. It'll be all pattern-y and stuff like that, and I think I'll make every fifth chapter Phoebe's POV.**

**Well, what did you think? It got a bit angst-y at the end for a bit. I tried to make Jashin very fatherly and protective. That's more or less the reason I've got for Him to grant immortality.**

**Fun Fact: Colette and Italy are tied as the top marathon runner in their state. If you can guess the state they lived in, you get some virtual s'mores!**

**Okay, so I promised some action and sacrificing in this chapter. Was that enough or do you need some more description or more gore? Just tell me if you have any preferences.**

**I tried to make Italy not super bi-polar during the whole chat with Jashin thing. I haven't really mentioned it much, except for Colette's hallucinations, but neither of our leading ladies are exactly mentally stable, in essence perfect Jashinists. I'll brush a bit on this later on, and I'll give you some of their past and stuff.**

**Okay, so Nijihashi means "rainbow bridge" according to Google, so if it isn't exactly right, don't prosecute me or anything. I don't speak Japanese...**

**So how was the chapter? I'd love you if you would review. Reviews give me the motivation to update more quickly. I didn't have any of these chapters written in advance, and I'm not particularly fast at typing.**

**I'll probably have the next chapter up tomorrow since it's Labor Day over here in the US of A so no school! Yays! So in honor of Labor Day I will Labor over the keyboard for you guys.**

**Have a nice day/night/zenith! **


	4. Over the Bridge

**Happy Labor Day! **

**Bloody Jashin-sama, the weather outside is magical. It's 70 something degrees (Fahrenheit) whereas it's been about 100 plus for the past three months… **

**So, anyways, I'm going to try to post a couple of shorter chapters today to do this whole Nijihashi arc. I promise I have canon characters in this chapter!**

**Disclaimer! I own a book of yo mama jokes. I do not, however, own Naruto (Phoebe: Thank Ruth & Jashin-sama for that! Me: I'd be upset with you, but I agree…)**

**Chapter Four! Over the Bridge **

* * *

><p><strong>xXxColette's POVxXx<strong>

I opened my eyes to find myself in a… prison cell? The last thing I remember was seeing a group of ten ugly men, then… nothing!

I rubbed the sleep –or unconsciousness rather- from my eyes. The cell I was in was bare with all of the walls and such made from concrete. The only furniture in the room was the bed I was laying on.

I stared up at the ceiling for what felt like an hour. My limbs felt leaden and this bed was surprisingly comfortable. It took me about an hour to realize that my rosary was humming like it had been for the whole hour. I just thought it was the air conditioner; this place was freaking cold. I picked it up to find the blurry image of a mouth in the triangle.

I stared at it. _Just a hallucination,_ I thought, but the mouth spoke, "Colette-chan? Good you finally noticed me!"

I've heard that voice somewhere, "Oh! Jashin-sama?"

"Yes," the mouth smiled. "I can assure you that I am not a hallucination."

"You know about those, Jashin-sama?" I asked, a bit surprised he knew about them. I had only ever told Italy and my psychiatrist.

Jashin laughed, "Of course! I keep tabs on all of my children!"

I laughed, "Great! So what did you want, Jashin-sama?"

"First I wanted to make sure you were okay," I couldn't help but smile at this. What a sweet god! "and I also wanted to tell you about your situation."

"Yes?" I said. "I was kidnapped, right, Jashin-sama?"

"Right, child. You were kidnapped by a group that calls themselves 'Nijihashi.' They are a charity organization which headquarters are located in the Village Hidden in the Leaves and has been hired to exterminate Jashinism."

I gasped. Those evil people trying to destroy my religion my… evil… religion… "So am I in the Leaf?"

"Yes," Jashin gave me a small smile. "You were separated from Italy-chan when they abducted you. Now, although you are not an official ninja, I wish to give you a mission, child."

My first mission! "What's the mission, Jashin-sama?"

"I would like for you to eradicate the Nijihashi Organization, for all opposition to Jashinism must be destroyed!"

I nodded, "Yes."

"Alright, listen closely to what you must do."

"Yes, Jashin-sama."

"First, you must contact Italy-chan who is in the village."

"How do I do that, Jashin-sama?"

"You may use your rosary as a means of communication with other Jashinists. Just use the hand seals: Dog-Bird-Ox-Rabbit to perform the jutsu."

"Dog-Bird-Ox-Rabbit… Got it!" I mentally went over what each seal looked like.

"After you escape from the headquarters with her help, destroy the Nijihashi headquarters and kill all the members of Nijihashi in the Leaf. Once this is done, leave the Leaf Village _immediately._ Is that acceptable?"

"Yes, Jashin-sama," I was trying to contain my excitement. My first mission! I was one step closer to what I've always wanted to be: a ninja!

"Good luck, child," Jashin gave me a smile. "Oh, and two things before I go."

"Yes?"

"One: you are in the basement of the Nijihashi headquarters. Let Italy-chan know of this..."

"Okay. And the second thing?"

Jashin bit His lip, "Do not feel too upset after your first sacrifice. If you are to succeed as a Jashinist or a ninja, you must learn to harden your emotions."

"I understand," _I hope…_

"Good. I will speak with you after you have fled the Leaf. Have courage, Colette-chan," Jashin gave me a smile.

"Yes, Jashin-sama!" His mouth started to fade. As soon as it was gone I made the hand seals. _Dog-Bird-Ox-Rabbit!_

As soon as my hands pulled away from the seal Rabbit, a different mouth appeared in the triangle of my rosary. "Italy-chan? Is that you?"

* * *

><p><strong>xXxItaly's POVxXx<strong>

I leaned back on the bench I sat on to stare up at the sky. It was only seven thirty, and the sky was bright as if it were noon! There were barely any clouds floating above me, but it looked like there was a storm moving in from the west.

I sighed and threw the dango stick in a random bush. I had bought dango from a vendor with money I… borrowed… from a random civilian. It was pretty damn good, too.

Anyway, I was trying to spot characters out and about, but so far I'd barely even seen _anyone_ out on the streets…

Phoebe nudged me with her nose. She whispered, "Someone's coming! Hide your rosary!" During my brief time here, I had discovered that the general population of the Leaf hates Jashinists. I figured it was because they labeled Jashinism "evil," but I labeled Leaf Villagers as "narrow-minded" and "ignorant," so we're even.

I quickly slipped the rosary under my shirt. The cool metal on my skin was quite a mundane feeling, but it let me know this _was _reality. No sooner had I dropped the rosary in my shirt than did a boy turn the corner of the street.

I felt a vain pop on my head; this person just happened to be one of my least favorite characters, Sasuke. His angst and arrogance pissed me off about as much as rope did. Yep, it was that bad.

He parked himself right in front of me, a couple of yards away. Many girls would have had a fangirl moment, but I was about ready to beat the shit out of him! One: I didn't like him. Two: he just blocked my awesome view of the village! Oh, he was gonna get it!

I growled, "Can't you move a bit, kid?"

Sasuke turned around to give me a quick glare, "Hn."

"Hn? What does that even mean?" I was pissed off by now, and we all know shit goes down when I get pissed. _He's worse in person!_

He didn't even look at me! I stood up to face him with my… impressive… height. "Don't ignore me, bitch! Just who the hell do you think you are?"

He turned to me, and I noticed that he didn't even have a forehead protector yet. _Still an academy student!_ "Sasuke Uchiha. Now go away, you're irritating me."

I gave a shrill laugh, "You think your name can scare me off. Look, kid, you ain't even a genin yet!"

I heard Phoebe snort slightly about this. I wasn't exactly a ninja either. Ah, details, details! Sasuke said coolly, "No, but I am the top in my class, so leave me alone."

He turned his back to me. I took this opportunity to roundhouse kick him into the river. He was a bit pathetic, not dodging me and all. He was almost worse than those Nijihashi dipshits. "Can I sacrifice this bitch to Jashin-sama, Phoebe? Please?"

Phoebe sighed and jumped off the bench and into the river to retrieve Sasuke from the quick current, "No, Italy-chan. Let's just leave the plotline alone for now."

I sighed glumly, "Sad face."

It quite amused me to see Sasuke struggle in the water and against Phoebe, but I wasn't able to watch for long. My rosary was humming! _Jashin-sama? _I wondered.

I took the rosary from my shirt to see a much more feminine mouth. "Italy-chan?" it said. "Is that you?"

* * *

><p><strong>xXxBack to ColettexXx<strong>

I saw the mouth in the triangle smile, "Colette-chan!"

"Yep! 'Tis I, Colette the… Magical!" I laughed.

"Hey!" Italy laughed. Alright, so… where the fuck are you, magical?"

"Well, Jashin-sama told me to tell you that I was trapped in the Nijihashi dungeon," I said.

"That sounds delightful!" said Italy. "So where is that?"

"I dunno," I tapped my chin in thought. "Perhaps Phoebe will know."

"I sure hope," Italy sighed. "We'll bust you out of there, Colette-chan!"

"Yay!" I cheered. "Just tell me when you're coming. The hand seals for this communication jutsu are Dog-Bird-Ox-Rabbit."

"'Kay," Italy smiled. "I'll talk to you when we get there."

"Laters!" I smiled, and Italy's mouth faded away. I sure hoped Italy got here soon; concrete bores me…

* * *

><p><strong>Doesn't it bore us all? Well, I decided that I needed some shorted chapters in this story. There'll be about two more chapters of this length to complete the Nijihashi Arc.<strong>

**Was Sasuke OOC at all? I'm really sorry if he was! I personally don't hate him. The only two characters I don't like are Ino and Sakura, don't ask why. I just think that Italy would have an issue with him because of her… irritability…**

**Anyway, there'll be action and stuff next chapter. Hooray.**

**I forgot what I was going to say –well **_**write**_**…**

**Nope, I don't remember, but I promise by chapter 8, the Akatsuki shall appear! Hidan will be there beforehand, but I don't think he'd be part of the Akatsuki at this point in the series. Anyway, I will definitely update later today! I have awesome writing stamina! XD**

**Hey I remembered! I forgot to put lines in the last two chapters and I really don't feel like fixing that. Sorry if that upsets you.**

**Fun Fact: Colette and Italy used to live in North Dakota. At first, it was going to be Washington, but what I have in my head for them to say sounds a lot cooler starting with "Back in North Dakota, we…" than with "Back in Washington, we…" Just has a better ring to it, don't you think?**

**So, my lovelies, next chapter I'm attempting from Phoebe's POV only. We'll get to see a lot of her fighting style! *confetti***

**So… review! Pretty please? With sugar on top? *puppy eyes***

**See you people later! I'm going to the aquarium with my bud so see some fishies! Maybe Kisame will be there… **


	5. Yo Mama

**Chapter Five! Yo Mama!**

**Disclaimer! *insert generic disclaimer here***

**xXxPhoebe's POVxXx**

Italy seemed to be finished with her conversation with her rosary. I knew she had a couple of mental issues, but speaking with inanimate objects was the last thing I really expected from her. I narrowed my eyes, "Had a nice chat with your rosary."

Italy just flicked her hair from her eyes coolly, "Yes. It told me that Colette's in the basement of the Nijihashi headquarters. Any idea where that is, Phoebe?"

I closed my eyes, searching for Colette's chakra, "Just follow me."

Italy rolled her odd eyes, but didn't have a choice in the matter; I had already set off in the direction of Colette. The headquarters were only a couple of blocks away from where we were, but that didn't save us from curious glances. One man actually tried to grab me for Italy, but being a trained dog-nin against a mere civilian, it was no problem at all.

We got to the base in under five minutes. In front of us was a sign that proclaimed the whereabouts of the Nijihashi headquarters to the world quite literally. "Well, that's convenient," Italy spoke both our thoughts.

"Yeah," I said. I decided that the best approach would be from the alley behind it. We both slipped over to the alley.

Italy stared at the brick wall, "So how exactly are we suppose to get in here?"

I rolled my eyes as they lit up, turning my field of vision to green, "Just wait…"

I heard Italy talking to her rosary… _again_… but just let it go as I chose a place where the building wouldn't collapse on itself. Italy informed me, "Okay, Colette's still in her cell, and she says they haven't even come to check on her yet."

I counted the chakra signatures that I felt in the building, "Okay. Hmm, there're only seventeen people in this building."

Italy nodded slightly. I closed my eyes, target chosen, then shot them open again. An arch appeared in the wall. "Success," I whispered.

Italy gawked at the opening, "How the fuck did you do that?"

"Quiet, Italy-chan," I let my eyes fade back to brown, vision clearing. "We're on a mission, remember?"

"Oh yeah!" Italy laughed. "Hey! Wait up!"

Italy caught up to me and we continued until we reached a lobby where three of the Nijihashi members were. Their chakra wasn't at all developed. I whispered to Italy, "These three are just civilians. You can get them, Italy-chan."

Italy nodded and approached the three with stealth I didn't think was possible for her. With just two kicks, the men were all knocked out. I nodded, "Impressive."

Italy laughed, "I thought you'd think so."

We had been walking around the headquarters for about three minutes before Italy started huffing. "Where's Colette?" she complained. I stopped in my tracks, sensing Colette's chakra _right_ below us.

I let my eyes glow. A circle of the floor below turned to ash, reveling Colette's cell and Colette more importantly. I said smartly, "Right there."

"Yeah, yeah. No need to be a smart ass," Italy leaned down to collect her friend. "Get up here, Colette-chan. You're gonna want to see this shit go down."

Colette clambered onto the floor. "I bet. I sure hope it'll be interesting. Concrete cells bore me."

"Alright, ladies," I said. "let's hurry up our reunion here so we can watch this shit go down."

Colette and Italy nodded and we set off down the hall.

Did anyone say that shit was gonna go down? If they did they more or less hit the nail on the head. Yep, the first room we walked our merry little selves into had the rest of the organization in it. They were in a meeting, and it would have been good for us if they had those semi-comas you get at work or school or wherever. Sadly, they were quite the opposite; they were all spiked out on coffee.

When we turned the corner to the room, I guess my chakra sensing abilities were impaired because there were 14 people sitting around a table.

Italy summed it up with her endearing vocabulary, "…holy fuck…"

These little phrases were a common occurrence in the realm of Jashinism, but apparently the only dealing Nijihashi had with Jashinists was that of slaughtering them, for a simultaneous gasp filled the room. Whispers of "How unladylike!" and "This is why Jashinists must die!" and "My virgin ears!" were, well _whispered_ through the room.

Colette casually waved at the enemies, "Yo!"

I heard Italy whisper, "Home Invasion: Plan 28Q-15." Then all hell broke loose. I guess I should say all heaven broke loose since my ladies are religious folks, but that would make it seem pretty. It was anything but that.

I have _no_ idea when they planned to react for home invasions, but whenever they did, they did it pretty damned well. Italy dashed foreword and grabbed the large meeting table. She deftly swung it around and smashed out the windows on the wall, sending about three of the members flying with the wide blow. Italy started laughing manically, "Jashin-sama has judged you bitches!"

As this was happening, Colette grabbed a sexy leg lamp and I guess you could say kicked someone with it. She smashed it over the poor souls head, rendering him dead probably and –more importantly- the sexy leg lamp smashed into a million little pieces.

The other ten were running in hazardous circles and screaming their heads off. I thought as I sweatdropped, _I either seriously underestimated my ladies or I seriously overestimated the opponent…_ I watched a man jump out the smashed window in order to escape Italy wielding a metal table leg. _Or I have __**seriously**__underestimated caffeine highs…_

I cringed as Italy brought the table leg down on a caffeinated Nijihashi member's head with bone-crushing force, quite literally. "Sorry for these pathetic bastards, Jashin-sama," Italy laughed while nimbly dodging a save the whales coffee mug.

Colette smirked and called over to Italy while swinging a man around by his hair, which gave and sent him flying through the freaking wall and down to the streets below, "If the Nijihashi thinks they can beat Jashinists now, wait 'till we discover immortality!"

Italy chuckled while shoving a dry erase marker down someone's throat, "Yeah! They're already goners to begin with. They'll just be doormats by the time the jutsu is developed!"

The eight remaining men had _finally_ gotten their wits about them and were doing more than running around and screaming like they were on fire. One of them actually attacked Colette with a letter opener. Colette conjured a letter opener of her own from thin air (i.e. her bra). Her letter opener had a pelican on it for Jashin knows why while the jumpy man's letter opener was disguised as a _can_ opener. An epic bout of swordplay commenced, each side equally determined and skilled. (I later discovered that this man was actually an ANBU captain with a low tolerance to caffeine.)

Italy managed to get a hold of a stapler and was bitch slapping some poor soul to death with it. "Feel the wrath of office supplies!" she yelled as multiple pens, pencils, and other such objects were impaled in a random woman. The only woman of the Nijihashi present at the moment, actually.

"AAAIIIIIEEEEEE!" I heard a savage scream tear from Colette. I noticed a tiny cut on her right arm.

The man fencing Colette said with a smirk, "Your pelican is good, very good, but cannot compete with my can opener!"

Colette reached into her shirt and slowly pulled something out of her bra with her unoccupied hand, "You are correct: my pelican is no match for your can opener. However your can opener is no match for," Colette dramatically switched her weapons, the room silent except for Italy's opponent's last scream as he was strangled with his own tie. "A **REAL** CAN OPENER!"

After the great shift in weapons, Colette fared much better and violently stabbed her opponent several times in the gut before throwing the defeated man out the window. She wiped her can opener and letter opener on an atlas before she stuck them back in her bra. It didn't occur to me until now why she would be carrying either of those things around with her or why she'd even be able to have them until a commentator said from behind me, "What the fuck? Who the hell are they?"

I turned around, instantly recognizing slicked back silver hair and odd magenta eyes anywhere. "Those, sir, are my ladies."

"…" this younger Hidan stared blankly at me for a good few minutes. "Wow, bitch, you can talk."

I growled, "Haha, oh that's rich! I'm a girl and a dog, so the perfect name for me would be 'bitch.' Call me Phoebe, kid."

I snapped my attention back to the fight. They had managed to defeat all of them except for one. Colette was now confronting him. "You should just give up now."

"Why would I ever give up?" the man said.

"Because," Colette smirked evilly. "Yo mama's _so _fat, when she steps on the scale it says 'To be continued…'"

Italy ohed at his while Hidan just was like wtf. The man retorted, "Yeah, well, _yo _mama's so dumb that she takes a ruler with her to bed at night to see how long she sleeps!"

"Yeah?" Colette said. "Well, _yo _mama's so ugly that…"

This went on for about half an hour with Italy being like "You got told, sista!" every other comeback. It was getting ridiculous. I just let my eyes glow green and turned the man to ash.

"_Yo _mama's teeth are so- Hey! I wasn't done yet!" Colette cried indignatley.

"I know," I sighed. "but it was starting to get dull. Oh we have a visitor."

"Cool beans!" exclaimed Italy.

Hidan whispered to me, "Does this always happen?"

"When they aren't fed, yes," I replied, motioning for my ladies to follow. "Okay, Italy-chan, what do you want for lunch."

Italy thought for a moment, "PASTA!~"

**Wrong anime, Italy! Gtg! Review!**


	6. Nancy

**Hello! I was gonna post this chapter yesterday, but I kind of had to write it…**

**Sorry about the lack of an author note last chapter. I was kinda being yelled at to get off the computer and whatnot. I'm sorry the last two chapters were so short, too.**

**Here's the fun fact I was going to put last chapter:**

**Fun Fact: Phoebe means bright or pure, and she was also the Titan associated with the moon. Italy is the name of a country in Europe. Colette is the short form of Nicolette which is a diminutive of Nicole which is the feminine form of Nicholas… Fun stuff, fun stuff. **

**Thank you to YukoxxxIchikawa, Avasaya, and glustora for the magically fantabulous reviews! They make me feel like I'm on a sugar high from Lucky Charms!**

**-Unabashed Advertisement-**

**So, yeah, I wrote another story. I'd love for you to read it. It's another Akatsuki story, and I'd really like feedback. So if you've got some spare time, could you please read it? The beginnings a bit slow, but it gets a bit better towards the end of the chapter. Pwease wead it!**

**-End Unabashed Advertisement-**

**So the Akatsuki has finally arrived! At the end of the chapter! Yeah… I was gonna write some more, but I feel like I'm about to pass out on my keyboard…**

**Disclaimer! I own a jar of mayonnaise. I own the OC's. I wish I owned Nancy. I wish I owned Naruto, too. I'd be rich!**

**Chapter Six! Nancy**

* * *

><p><strong>xXxPhoebe's POVxXx<strong>

"Okay, Italy-chan, what do you want for lunch," I said.

Italy thought for a moment, "PASTA!~"

"Oh, Italy-chan," Colette joined Hidan, Italy, and me in exiting the base. "You _know_ pizza is better!"

"Hmm," Italy thought, "Then let's go to Pizza Hut! I like their pepperoni."

Hidan looked blankly at them, "What the hell is _pizza?_"

Colette gaped at him, "_Only_ the best food in the _world!_"

I whispered to Hidan, "It's a meat, cheese, and tomato pie from our land."

"Okay," He whispered back, but I could still tell he didn't quite understand. We continued walking without another word until we left the building. Once the company was out, I let my eyes shine green. I focused on the whole structure, letting my chakra flow into it. Once it gripped the building, I let it tear the structure 'till it was dust.

The whole technique I learned a long time ago during my travels. My chakra is destructive by nature, so all I have to do is let it sit in any object for a while without restraining it. If I just let it sit in an object, it will "pause" it. The glowing eye thing is just how my chakra flows from my body. Don't ask why they turn green. They just do. Anyway, I can confine the area my chakra destroys, be it as small as a flee or as large as a skyscr-

Oh, Jashin-sama, the company is harassing villagers!

As I was describing my ability, the company decided it was time to sacrifice a street vendor because he 'looked at Colette funny.' Colette's not exactly an eyesore, and she keeps her hair in tip-top condition on a regular basis.

The poor street vendor was just trying to enjoy the view, but now he'll never see again. Oh, Jashin-sama, was that his spleen?

"Okay, okay," I rushed to the poor man's rescue. "I think he's learned his lesson!"

Hidan declared, "That's not enough! Jashin-sama doesn't make room for half-sacrifices!"

"Yeah!" my ladies added tactfully. Italy continued dramatically, "Once we're done can we get some Arby's? I'm fucking _starving!_"

"No," Colette opposed. "Let's go to McDonald's. Their fries are less creepy."

"McDonald's might have straighter fries," Italy retorted. "But at least Arby's fries fucking taste good."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah!" my ladies were nose to nose by now.

"Ladies," I sighed. "They don't have fast food restaurants here…"

Metaphorically speaking, I could be arrested for terrorism after that because I just set a bomb off.

"WHAT!" my ladies screeched; they loved their fast food establishments. Oh damn it; some major culture shock was coming!

"Hidan-san," I said slowly, waiting for the boom to come. "Get out of here now, and go find the unhealthiest food you can in mass quantities, and bring it here as fast as possible."

Hidan looked at me funny and opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off, "I said **now**!"

He recoiled at my harshness, but jumped off anyway just in time; Italy blew up, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The people on the street all paused to look for the uproar. _Wrong move,_ I thought with a sadistic grin -well, expression since dogs can't smile…

The nearest person, besides Colette, was sent into the nearest wall with a kick, and that was quite a ways since the nearest wall was about 30 yards away. _Yards! _I thought in outrage. _I've become American during my stay in North Dakota!_ He went flying 27.432 meters, 2,743.2 centimeters, or .027432 kilometers. I am _not_ American.

Anyway, Italy flew into a cataclysmic, destructive frenzy. She kicked, punched, and tacked random villagers. Colette decided to help out her friend by joining in on the blood-bathed chaos.

The detail here would be gruesome, offensive, and laborious to describe. In short, in looked like someone really did set a bomb off. Hidan stumbled in on the undisturbed attack. He spoke my mind, "How the fuck did no one hear this?"

I smirked lightly, releasing my chakra, "Genjutsu…" Yes, I set a genjutsu to block the street. It wasn't very strong or anything, and I expected that in such an esteemed hidden village, _someone _could've broken the genjutsu. _I have issues with overestimation…_ I thought as my ladies were fed.

* * *

><p><strong>xXxLaterxXx<strong>

The company was headed through the woods. You should've seen the look on all the random villagers when I released the genjutsu. It was rich! Oh, I was crying I laughed so hard!

What was even better was when Colette found all the office supplies in her bra…

Okay, okay! Let me get my thoughts straight!

Anyway, Italy had another chat with her rosary. Colette was talking to it, too, which I could understand, but then Hidan did, too. I knew Jashinist were crazy and all, but _come on!_

Hidan explained to me and the ladies that only Jashinists could hear what was being said over the rosary. _That makes sense… _He added that it could be used to communicate with the small community the Jashinists left- the Nijihashi was a surprisingly effective group when not drinking coffee- and to be expecting contact from the higher ups of the religion relatively soon.

We jogged in peace for a good three ours more. We were about 5 hours from the Leaf Village.

"Okay," I said, reaching a tea house. "Time for lunch!"

We filed into the quaint restaurant and ordered. The waitress gave me an odd look until I talked. She backed off after that.

The people of my group were sipping tea.

Hidan managed to learn their names. It only took him five hours. He thought they were some "fucked up" names. That got him a punch to the stomach…

Anyway, we were all just sitting around and stuff. Italy asked, surprisingly politely, "Why were you in Konoha, anyway, Hidan?"

Hidan fiddled a bit with his rosary, "I've gotta help you two wipe out the fucking Nijihashi."

Colette joined, "That's cool. What do you know about them?"

Hidan began, "Well, they are a charity organization that was started in my home village, the Hidden Hot Springs, to bring peace to the ninja world or some shit like that. They've got a base in almost every hidden village and then some more in other big villages."

Colette and Italy nodded. "So we have to travel more or less around the world to kill them all?" said Colette.

Hidan shrugged, "Yeah."

I said, "I will be a good way for you to learn ninja skills, ladies."

My ladies agreed. Hidan narrowed his eyes, "Hold on! You mean you two aren't ninja!" My ladies shook their heads no. "Then how the fuck did you beat the Nijihashi back in Konoha? I mean, most of them were fucking ANBU!"

Colette giggle, "Crazy stuff happens when we aren't fed!"

Once we were done with lunch, we left without paying. Yeah, we're badass like that!

Anyway, for the rest of the day we tried to teach the girls how to climb trees without using their hands. Colette did considerably better than Italy, as it only took her five tries to get to the top as opposed to Italy's twenty five tries.

I guess I was proud of my little criminals.

* * *

><p>Later that night, I slipped away from the camp to meet a certain someone, trusting for them to protect themselves.<p>

I met the person I was looking for almost instantly, their chakra distinct even after these years.

He looked over at me. I looked up at him with my adorable puppy-dog eyes. "Hello, Madara-san."

"Hello, er, Phoebe is it now?" Madara jumped down from the tree he was in, green scarf billowing behind him. "You really need to stop changing your name every other year."

"Well, it bothers me more than it does you," I sat on a convenient boulder.

"Do you have time to help the Akatsuki? I know you have your subordinates," Madara looked at me. I saw a slight red glint from his eyehole.

I stretched, "Not really. You see now, Madara-san, I've got some ladies with me I've got to watch. They aren't exactly ninja yet, but give me about six months to train them." I thought it would be better to leave out the part about the Nijihashi hunt.

"Why shouldn't I kill them, Phoebe? I don't have forever," Madara said.

I rolled onto my back. I laughed, _Many reasons, Madara-san, many reasons_. "Well, they have extensive knowledge of this world that I believe would be useful for your organization. You know, preventing members' deaths and all that."

Madara growled, "I'll give you six months. After that, I will track you down and force you to aid the Akatsuki."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, yeah, six months, whatever."

Madara crossed his arms then teleported himself to Jashin-sama knows where to do Jashin-sama knows what. I smiled as much as a dog could, _Six months! I've got forever to train my ladies…_

* * *

><p><strong>xXxTimeskip no JutsuxXx<strong>

"Colette, duck!" Italy cried.

Colette ducked a barrage of shuriken thrown by a desperate Nijihashi. He was apparently the last one left of the international charity group. It took us a good week to track him and the remaining members down to a secret base.

In the five or so months since my encounter with Madara, I had trained my ladies as much as I could in ninjutsu and genjutsu while Hidan taught them the specifics of Jashinism.

I learned why the Nijihashi wanted Jashinism dead… What a violent, brutal religion…

My company had also taken up their own weapon: Hidan the scythe, of course, Colette the halberd, and Italy the pike.

Speaking of Italy's pike, she was brandishing it now against the formidable opponent. He was a master swordsman, responsible of the death of a couple of dozen Jashinists.

The man, Sam I think I'll call him, parried the pike with ease. Italy pushed herself away from Sam with her pike and landed a few meters away.

Colette quickly attacked at Sam's back while he was distracted. Sam managed to dodge, but he got away with a cut on his back from Colette's razor sharp halberd.

Hidan launched his scythe at Sam as he was trying to flee. Sam cried as the scythe knocked him to the ground, "Please stop!"

Colette gave him a condescending smile (smiles can portray many things, I guess), "Aw! Does someone want to escape?"

Sam tried to scoot away, but Italy stopped all possibilities of escape by cruelly jumping on top of Sam, effectively flattening him, "Isn't that a shame! Jashin-sama has judged you, bastard, and the results aren't too hot."

Italy dragged Sam up by his hair and motioned for Hidan to come over. Hidan grinned evilly as he approached Sam. "This little fuck put up a good fight, ne, Italy?"

"Yeah," Italy flicked some hair from her face. "It'll make his sacrifice all the better!"

Hidan knocked Sam out then swung Sam over his shoulder. Colette wiped off her halberd off on a random corpse's clothes. "Hurry up! This sacrifice is gonna be good!" I really hadn't noticed in day to day activities, but one day it hit me like an anvil that Colette -sweet, kind Colette- had slowly transformed over these long months into a cold, sadistic person.

Italy was the same mean, impatient girl she had always been but with a new-found bloodlust from Jashin-sama knows where. Actually, I'm pretty sure Jashin-sama is where they pulled their mysterious bloodlust from…

Anyway, the company was chatting with their rosaries again as we were leaving. The first they were talking with was Jashin-sama himself, but the second was apparently a priest or someone to that extent. Well, whoever they had been, the company was discussing immortality now.

Italy said, "I think we _should_ try the whole immortality thing they were talking about."

Hidan agreed, "Yeah, we need to show the fucking world to not mess with Jashinism!"

"Yeah…" Colette said vaguely. There was something on her mind, but what?

* * *

><p><strong>xXxColette's POVxXx<strong>

Hey! I haven't seen you in a while! What's it been, five months? It's December 8th today, so yeah, five months!

Anyway, it's been a long five months of training and slaying the Nijihashi. I took up the halberd and I've been honing in on my genjutsu and sensor abilities. Yep, sensor! I have good enough chakra control for it and stuff.

I should fill you in on what's been going on for the past months. At first, I was upset by the sacrificing, but I eventually got over it. Jashin-sama's good at supporting and encouraging. Italy said I've become colder, but I don't _feel_ any different.

I'm still my old cheery self I was back in North Dakota. Except for my eyes. Damn I hate my anime eyes…

So, that was pretty much my past five months…

Anyway, we just captured the last Nijihashi, I've decided to call him Earl, and we were talking to Jashin-sama.

I made the appropriate hand seals, and Jashin-sama's mouth appeared. "Ah, my children!" He smiled. "How did it go?"

"Very well!" I chirped.

Hidan added, "We have the last one right here, Jashin-sama!"

"Excellent work, my children!" said Jashin. He licked His lips a bit, something I figured out He did whenever He was about to give a long speech. "Alright, my children, after countless hours of research, I have finally made a jutsu which will bless you with the essence of life. I have devised a method to keep death at bay, even after a puncture wound to the heart. I have made a jutsu that will show the world that Jashinism is alive, well, and will never be destroyed even after the Nijihashi has brought the end to many of the followers. I shall bless all of my children who did not stray from my side during the trials with the Nijihashi. The only problem is that I must test this jutsu on some of my children. Consequently, some of my children may be harmed from these tests. Are any of you willing to be tested on? Colette-chan? Hidan-kun? Italy-chan?"

Hidan said, "I have faith that your jutsu wouldn't harm anyone, Jashin-sama."

"Are you willing to be tested upon, perhaps?" Jashin said.

"Perhaps," Hidan said.

"Alright," said Jashin. "I'll put you on the line to talk with the priest in charge of this."

Jashin's mouth was replaced with another man's, "Hello, fellow Jashinists. My name is Erwin. What are yours?"

I said, "I'm Colette."

Italy said, "I'm Italy."

"I'm Hidan," said Charles. Just kidding! Hidan said that.

"Hello, sisters and brother. Are you willing to help perfect Jashin-sama's essence of life?" asked Erwin. Why was his name all… English?

"Perhaps," said Hidan. Why was he using big words all of a sudden?

"Alrighty then," said Erwin. "Come to the temple in the Land of Noodles."

"Okay," said Hidan.

"They have a Land of Noodles?" Italy said. "Fuck yeah!"

I giggled, "That's a funny name for a country!"

Erwin said, "Then what's a _normal_ name for a country."

Italy said, "Italy, for instance."

Erwin and Hidan both said, "What (the fuck) is an Italy?"

Italy astutely said, "A country!"

Erwin frowned, "It sounds like the name of a fancy boot or something."

I retorted, "It looks like a boot!"

Erwin deadpanned, "Of course it does."

Italy said, "Where's the Land of Noodles? I bet it's on a cloud right below heaven!"

"That's the Land of Sky," said Erwin. "No, you're in the Land of Noodles right now."

Italy visibly drooped, "Oh."

Hidan said, "We'll see you soon, Erwin!"

"Wait-Wha-"we cut the connection to Erwin. He was probably used to rudeness, what with dealing with Jashinists and all.

Italy said, "I think we _should_ try the whole immortality thing they were talking about."

Hidan agreed, "Yeah, we need to show the fucking world to not mess with Jashinism!"

"Yeah…" I said. I'd like to be immortal since it's a rather nifty ability and all, but I don't know. I know Hidan will make it, but would Italy or I?

The issue with immortality was on my mind until we reached the clearing to perform our sacrifice.

Hidan roughly threw Earl, the last Nijihashi, on the ground. "Wake up, fucktard!"

"Mmm?" Earl woke up slightly. "Aaah!" He lurched backwards upon seeing us. "Wh-what did you want?"

Italy sneered, "A corpse, silly boy!"

Hidan added frostily, "And we aren't gonna let you off easily, dickhead. Your little group fucked with some of our members."

I added with a far-off look (hopefully) in my eyes, "We don't like people fucking with our members, silly little dickhead. You're gonna have to pay for letting your gay little organization fuck with Jashinism with your blood."

"Gay?" said Earl. "I have a wife!"

Italy facepalmed, "Rainbows symbolize homosexuality, bitch!"

"Where?" said Earl.

"North Dakota!" I chirped.

"Where the flapjack is North Dakota?" said Earl.

I said, "Near Italy!"

Italy added, "Not really…"

"Yeah…" We stood around awkwardly for a couple of seconds, not really sure what to do.

"Well," Hidan broke the awkward silence. "Time to die!"

"Hell yeah!" Italy cheered as she plunged her pike into Earls hands, pinning him to the ground.

Earl hissed in pain, "What are you crazy kids doing?"

I shrugged slightly whilst pulling out a barbed whip, "Killing you."

"Pretty much," Italy added, bringing out a paddle with which she would beat Earl with.

"Bitch's got a point," said Hidan, pulling out a long dagger.

Let the sacrifice begin!

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><p>That was an interesting sacrifice. Earl kept on screaming something about how Ruth was going to trip us all with her ropes of doom and shit like that. It psyched Italy out, for some reason.<p>

Hidan stretched, "Man, what a day! Thank Jashin-sama we're almost at the temple!"

"Yeah," Italy agreed.

The temple was about half a mile away from us. I could already imagine the nice warm bed and bath and setting down Nancy.

Nancy is my halberd, by the way.

Fast-forward to when we meet Erwin at the temple!

So, we met Erwin at the temple. He's short like _really _short like shorter than Italy short. "Whoa, Italy," I said. "He's shorter than you!"

Tick marks appeared on Italy's head, "Shut up!"

"What?" I asked innocently. "I'm only saying it because it's true!"

Italy grumbled about not being short, violet eye flashing. I just now realized that the three people in our group have weird eyes. I should say that! "We have weird eyes!" I chirped, totally ignoring Erwin's lecture about STD's or something to that extent.

"…" Hidan and Italy stared at me blankly. Italy laughed, "Let's get you to bed, Colette-chan."

"Okay!" I said. "Carry me? Wait, just kidding! You're too short!"

"Yep!" Italy grimaced and pulled me towards the bedrooms, completely ignoring Erwin's protests.

Hidan shrugged and followed us to the random chamber Italy dragged me to. There were three beds. Perfect!

I collapsed onto the fluffy be in the middle. I sighed, "Bliss!" then fell asleep faster than if someone had knocked a rock over my head.

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><p><strong>xXxPhoebe's POVxXx<strong>

The company was done sacrificing Sam. I feel bad for Italy because Sam kept on threatening her with Ruth. Poor girl…

Anyway, I was off to go meet with Madara again. I don't know what his business was in the Land of Noodles, and I don't think I want to know, either.

I stopped slightly. The company's chakra had been still for a while. _Must've reached the temple, _I thought.

"Hello, Phoebe," Madara appeared in front of me.

"Madara-san," I glared.

"Phoebe,"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I need you for the Akatsuki now," Madara said. "I know I said in January, but the Akatsuki is going to begin collecting the tailed beasts now."

"Uh-huh," I bit my lip in contemplation. "When are you going to need me?"

"As soon as possible," Madara said. "As in now."

"Now?" I gasped. I still had so much to teach my ladies! I was going to teach them this month!

"Since I doubt you'll leave without the two girls accompanying you," said Madara. "I have arranged for two of the Akatsuki members to kidnap them."

"What?" I backed up, but Madara snatched me. "Let's go, we have much to discuss."

Next thing I know, I was on top of a skyscraper. I could just hope my girls were okay…

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><p><strong>xXxColette's POVxXx<strong>

The sunshine woke me up from my deep slumber. At least I thought it did. The first thing I noticed was that Hidan and Italy's beds were empty, but unmade. The next thing I saw was that there were two men in the doorway.

Holy fuck!

They were two of the most wanted men in this entire world: Hoshigaki Kisame and Uchiha Itachi. I tried to fix my hair quickly. Hey, Itachi was _hot!_

I knew this day would come as soon as we got into this world. I was sure that someone would find out about two mysterious girls with weird names that made references to an exotic culture. I was just hoping it would be the Cloud Village. I love that place!

Kisame said in his deep voice, "So you're… Colette?"

I blinked slowly and said, being in a pissy mood for… reasons, "No, I'm the muffin man."

It was Kisame's turn to blink slowly, "Yes or no, kid: are you Colette?"

"What if I'm not?" I huffed.

"Then we would kill you. Right, Itachi?"

"Yes," said Itachi.

"Well," I laughed nervously, getting up. "That gives me some incentive, doesn't it?"

"Yes," Kisame deadpanned.

"Let's go," said Itachi.

"Wait! I'm not ready to go!" I flipped out.

Italy poked her head in, "Get over your vanity, Colette."

I sent her a glare but followed her and the two Akatsuki members for Jashin-sama knows why to Jashin-sama knows where. I felt kind of bad about leaving Hidan without a goodbye, but I'll see him eventually.

I shook why head and slipped on my shoes and grabbed Nancy. Well, at least I like Itachi…

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><p><strong>Okay, I don't have anything smart to tell my character today, nor will I write a long author's note down here. I'm tired…<strong>

**Fun Fact: Colette's favorite character in the series is Sasori. Italy's is Tonton. Yes, the pig.**

**Er, I dunno what to write. Sorry, I'm not in the mood to check for any mistakes.**

**Um, yeah… The Akatsuki's here… Development… Yay… Review…**

'**Night! Don't let the bed bugs bite. Or have a nice day! Don't get sunburnt! :) **


	7. Enter the Majestic Base

**Murph! It's been a **_**looooooooooong **_**week! What better way to end it with by typing up a chapter for this story?**

**Happy Mexican Independence Day! My planner at school told me that was today!**

**Anyway, sorry for the wait for the update!**

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**Wait a second! I only update on weekends/holidays! I take back my apology!**

**In other words, I would like to thank Avasaya, blackdragon999, and Grrr for the reviews! So thank you! Merci! … I don't know many more languages, and I'm not in the mood to Google things. I tried, but the oranges distraced me…**

**Disclaimer! I own Naruto! **

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**Hahahahahahahahah! Seriously, though, I don't. Only the OCs belong to me!**

**Chapter Seven! Enter the Majestic Base**

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><p><strong>xXxItaly's POVxXx<strong>

Goodness Gracious! Who are you people? Just kidding, I remember you!

So, yeah… It's been five months. I bet Colette's filled you in on everything. The most important thing for you to know is that I have taken up the pike.

My pike is named Phil. He's married to Hidan's scythe, Barbra, but is having an affair with Colette's halberd, Nancy.

Phil is silver and black.

He looks pretty damn awesome.

Anyway, where did Colette leave you? Oh, yeah! We were just leaving the Jashinist temple. Erwin flipped out when he saw the two Akatsuki members approaching. It went down like this:

So I was just chillin' in front of the temple, watching the clouds and stuff. Erwin was all, "Why did you ignore me last night, little girl?" and stuff. I ignored him while he was nagging me for ignoring him.

Yeah…

I had been sitting around for about an hour, just enjoying the warm-ish winter day. I saw two black dots going through the trees. I squinted slightly at the dots. _Those aren't birds…_

Before I knew it, there were two men coming up the stairs. I gasped. The two dots were incredibly familiar and dangerous: Akatsuki members!

The pair walked up to me. It was Kisame and Itachi, my second favorite pair in the Akatsuki.

Kisame looked down at me from under his weird pimp-hat thingy (he was two steps below me, come on!). He said, "Are you Italy, little girl?"

"Uh-huh…" I nodded slowly. Why was everyone calling me 'little girl' today? I mean, I already _know_ that I'm short! But to the more pressing matters, how the hell did the Akatsuki know my name? I mean, sure Colette, Hidan and I stand out a bit with our destructive tendencies and eyes as Colette so aptly said last night, but not many survived the wrath of our little trio to spread rumors about us.

I guess they're just really good at spying!

Kisame pat my head slightly for some reason or another, "Alright, kid. You're coming with us."

I raised an eyebrow, flinching slightly at the uncalled for contact, "Haven't I got a say in this?"

Kisame chuckled, "Not really! You either come with us willingly, or we'll force you."

I agreed readily, "Well, I'm not really in much of a mood to be forced into anything, so I'll just come with you willingly!"

We stood there awkwardly for a moment. I refused to break eye-contact with Kisame whereas his gaze flitted around, resting anywhere but on me. Itachi finally spoke up, "Where's your friend Colette?"

I motioned for them to follow me, "I'll bring you to her."

I guess they wanted the two of us.

They followed me into the temple and through the hallways, much to the horror of Erwin. I pointed at the door to our room, "She's in there."

Kisame nodded and opened the door. I peaked in. Colette was asleep but shifting. Itachi stood in the doorway along with his trusty partner.

Colette woke up within a couple of seconds. She had a quick conversation with Kisame and Itachi. She began leaving but flipped out, "Wait! I'm not ready to go!"

I poked my head in the room to grab Phil and go, "Get over your vanity, Colette."

She glared at me, but grabbed her stuff.

I sighed whimsically, "It seems as if Phil is fleeing his wife to run away with his charming mistress! They will grow old together and raise chickens and foster children!"

"Indeed!" Colette slung Nancy over her back.

"Phil?" said Kisame.

I laughed, "My pike!"

"…" Kisame gave me a blank look, hand unconsciously floating to Samehada.

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><p>To the present!<p>

So we'd been walking for about… 7 hours? We hadn't stopped, eaten, spoken, or anything!

The eating and walking I didn't care about, but the speaking part was what really bugged me. I mean, sure Colette and I didn't talk much in the trips with our little group, but that's because we just didn't _have_ anything to say. In this scenario, I had _plenty _to say.

I just wasn't saying anything because I was a bit intimidated by the Akatsuki members to say the least. Anyway, I think Colette just didn't care one way or the other about what happened because she was just laid back like that. Of course, Itachi didn't say anything because… he's Itachi… I'm not sure about Kisame, though. He probably wasn't talking because he was Itachi's little bitch, and Itachi wasn't talking, thus Kisame held his tongue.

So, back to walking.

Walking.

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Walking.

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Walking.

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Walking.

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Walking.

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Walki- "Oof!"

I just ran into Itachi.

.

.

Holy flying shit-cakes! **I just ran into **_**Itachi!**_

"Hehe! Sorry, Itachi-san!" I backed away from him. His hair smelled good… Like waterfalls…

Itachi looked back at me, an eyebrow raised a hair, "How do you know my name?"

"Uh, bingo books?" I pulled the (bad) lie from somewhere.

Colette came to save me (not very helpfully) and my worthless lie, "Yeah, you're pretty famous!"

"Yeah…" I added (very unhelpfully).

"Hn," Itachi turned his gaze to Kisame, "We shall stop here for tonight."

"Alright, Itachi," Kisame leaned Samehada against a random tree. His awesome, beautiful, sexy sword.

"Yay! I thing I lost half my feet!" Colette cheered. I ignored the cheerless outburst as I set Phil down, eyes trained on Samehada, however.

We all sat down around a fire Itachi constructed. Kisame had gone to get us some food. Itachi seemed to be staring at Colette… or Nancy… I couldn't tell. Colette seemed a bit uncomfortable under Itachi's gaze. My gaze was very comfortable, however, on a certain sword.

_That sword is amazing. So big! _I cringed a bit at my thoughts. _That's what she said…_

I continued staring longingly at the sword, not even noticing Kisame as he stepped in front of the sword with some fish. He stayed in front of the sword for a while without me even noticing.

I guess it looked like I was staring at his crotch or somewhere awkward like that because Kisame smirked slightly, "Can I help you, Italy-chan?"

"Huh?" I snapped into realization that I seemed to be staring at him longingly. The growing heat on my face seemed to make it even more awkward. "Sorry."

I hung my head, hair falling in front of my face, the entire time until dinner. I tried to keep my gaze from straying to Kisame or his sword.

Colette was having about as bad a time with Itachi as I was with Kisame. It seemed like Itachi was bound and determined to lock his gaze on Colette. This _did _upset me a bit. Colette, I'll admit grudgingly, is prettier than I am, however I got jealous anyway.

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><p>The next morning we were back to walking. It was even more awkward than yesterday. I was trying to stay as far away as I could from Kisame while Colette tried to keep her distance from Itachi.<p>

There was an awkward sort of shuffling going on between the two of us as we tried to stay away from our respective Akatsuki members.

I'll have to pray to Jashin-sama extra long tonight because we only had a five hour walk to the base! After meeting with Pein, I'll be able to get away from Kisame and Colette can escape from Itachi!

We eventually reached an absolutely stunning clearing. A distant snow-capped, pale purple mountain range set the backdrop for the cloud-dappled sky. A few vivid winter blooms dotted the bright green meadow that led up to a crystal clear pool. A pile of rocks was perched in front of the pool, reflecting a bit in the water.

If it wasn't for the barren trees and brisk wind on my face, I wouldn't believe that it was winter. A lone mockingbird came to sing a little melody, setting the scene just right.

Colette breathed out softly, speaking my mind, "Pretty."

Itachi began walking the remaining distance to what I assumed was the base. We stepped onto the clear pool. Some icy water found its way into my sandals as I struggled just a bit with flexing my chakra to hold me up. The fluffiness of the chakra plus walking gave me the remote sense of floating as it always does.

Itachi pushed the rock aside. Colette and I eagerly glanced over the two member's shoulders to get a glimpse at the base. A light glared at us as if we were about to step into heaven.

Colette and I stood on our toes to catch a glance once the light faded. And the base was…

…

…

…

…A cave.

_How anticlimactic…_ I slumped a bit. Colette glared at the cave a bit. I took a second glance at it, assuming she saw something more than me. For instance a…

"Genjutsu?" Colette cocked her head a bit.

Kisame raised a surprised eyebrow as Itachi raised a hand, "How'd you know?"

Colette smirked, "Training."

Itachi dissolved the genjutsu, revealing a rather bare hall.

Itachi and Kisame entered, so Colette and I followed them in. We followed them down a labyrinth of twisting, door-less halls. We finally reached a few doors. Kisame looked back at us, pimp-hat thingy gone, as Itachi knocked on the door at the dead end, "You two stay here and stay quiet. We're going to talk to Leader-sama."

We nodded and stood there obediently while the pair reported into Pein. It got awkward because I knew Colette wanted to say something like I did, but we obviously didn't want a certain plant-man to overhear us. I guess I should have been used to awkwardness because the past few days have just been like that.

Ah, inertia!

Kisame poke his head out, "Leader-sama would like to speak with you."

We obediently filed into Pein's office. In front of us as we entered was a colorful hologram of none other than the Deva path, Rinnegan eyes the only truly defined feature, just like in the anime.

I kept myself from having a fangirl moment when he spoke, "Colette and Italy?"

We nodded. Pein continued, "Good," Pein looked us over. "Sources have informed me that you have information that could be beneficial to the Akatsuki Organization. Is this correct?"

We nodded, and he continued, "Excellent, now you will hopefully be willing to share your information with us," We nodded at this, too, being quite intimidated by Pein. "Good, otherwise we would have to extract it forcefully. Now, the Akatsuki is very interested in the information you have, and also keeping it secure. I will assign you two to different pairs so as you two do not formulate a plan of escape."

"Wait wait wait!" I held a hand up. "You are going to make us members?" I added quickly, "Sir?"

"No," Pein said. "I am only assigning squads to keep an eye on you, and hopefully benefit from the knowledge you possess."

I nodded, drawing on my courtesy to keep me safe, "Yes, sir."

"Colette-chan," Pein barked.

Colette jumped, "Yes, sir?"

He continued, "You will be with Sasori and Deidara." Colette grinned at this, Sasori her favorite character, and nodded. I held my breath, knowing who I was going to be with, "And, Italy-chan, you will be with Itachi and Kisame."

I nodded while sending a nervous glance at my new posse; Itachi looked ever so slightly dejected while Kisame looked rather unpleased.

Pein continued, "I hope you aren't too tired because I have a mission for you, Kisame, Itachi, Italy."

Kisame looked even more unhappy while Itachi recomposed his slight displeasure to his normal coolness. I heard Kisame huff quietly, "Three missions in a row?"

"This is a very important mission: to capture the Nine-tails's jinchuriki, Uzumaki Naruto. The three of you will leave as soon as possible. Here is the information on the jinchuriki," Pein handed Itachi a folder on Naruto. "All the information you need is in here. Dismissed."

The four of us began to leave but Pein stopped us, "Oh! Colette-chan, Italy-chan, I believe you may want a change of close. Here," Pein handed us two soft bundles of what I assumed to be clothing.

Colette and I gave him a smile then bowed and took our leave, "Thank you, sir."

Kisame pointed us to a couple of bathrooms, and Colette and he told me to make it quick. I was in the bathroom, taking a first look at my new garments. I blushed a bit at seeing… lacy… *coughcoughsexycoughcough* undergarments.

I stripped out of my worn, dirty clothing. I pulled on the lingerie, and they fit. I really didn't want to know how they found my cup sizes.

Anyway, I slipped on the rest of the outfit which fit very nicely and looked lovely. It consisted of a dark magenta tank top with a fishnet top to go under it. With that there was a short black apron skirt with grey spandex shorts to go under it. The shoes were the basic dark grey ninja sandals. The thing I liked the most about this whole outfit, though, was the roomy, high-collared jacket that seemed to be made of a dark grey fleece. It was warmer than my little black sweater by far.

I replaced my rosary around my neck and strapped Phil over my back, and came out of the bathroom with a buddle of my old close.

I smiled at Colette who had changed as well. Her outfit was more or less the same, but her shirt was a deep aqua -which quite nicely brought out her eyes- while her shorts and jacket were black.

I think they more or less jacked the color scheme from our weapons: Phil had a silver metal point and a black shaft with some magenta charms while Nancy was black and blue. Well, we _did_ like those colors…

"Ready, Italy-chan?" said Kisame from behind me. He was waiting for me while Itachi had already taken his leave.

"Just a second," I called. I whispered to Colette in English, "What should I do? Do you think I should screw with the plot?"

Colette replied, "Refrain from it. How about you keep Sasuke from confronting Itachi, thus keeping him from running off any quicker."

I sighed, "Alright!" I switched back o Japanese, "Goodbye, fair lover! Phil and my heart shall rip as we grow further!"

"I hope to see you intact soon!" Colette replied. She saw me off as I left with Kisame to catch up with Itachi. I bit my lip, pondering my predicament.

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><p><strong>What lovely alliteration! So, the Akatsuki <strong>_**finally **_**has a role! Anyway…**

*****IMPORTANT*****

**Alright, listen up 'cause I have words to say!**

**1) I was wondering whether you want more frequent short(ish) chapters or longer, less frequently updated chapters or a delicious blend of short chapters then some long chapters every three or four chapters. Bleh! I said... wrote... chapter too many times that last sentence! Really, though, tell me pretty please with a majestic mountain of sugar on top! **

**2) Alrighty, brace yourself for some unabashed advertisement! Yes, this is the same story mentioned last chapter. Anyway, I am not encouraged to continue writing that story, and that negative energy is feeding into my spirit for this story, and making me not want to continue **_**either**_** of them. So I'd really like you to take a look at it, or I may take a vacation from writing _both _stories. :(**

**3) I am not posting another chapter of this story until I have **_**15**_** reviews 'cause I'm a feedback whore, so If you want an update, take a second or six to type out a pretty little review and become my best friend for a couple of hours. :D**

**Fun Fact: Colette's favorite animal is bunny-rabbits while Italy's favorite is pigs (Tonton, for instance). Phoebe doesn't have a favorite animal, really, but she sure does hate them cats.**

**I don't have all that much to say that's particularly interesting. My pet mouse is afraid of me, though.**

**I'm pretty sure I thought of something witty and/or amusing to say that entertained me today.**

**Hmm…**

**Oh, yeah! This Monday I got a packet from world geography with a quote from Christopher Columbus on it. He compared Earth to a boob. Yeah, that entertained me and my pervy mind! :) **

**Now that I'm done with my threats/rants, please have an absolutely enchanting rest of the day!**

**Love ya!~**


	8. First Impressions

**! D:**

**I'm so sorry I didn't update for talk like a pirate day (yesterday), but I have a life…**

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***pokerface***

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***bad pokerface***

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**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

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**I made a funny. XD**

**Anyway, on Saturday I didn't even start it 'cause I wasn't expecting that many reviews so quickly, but I was writing a **_**different **_**fanfic that I may post eventually once I have a couple of pre-written chapters. On Sunday, I was watching makeup tutorials (am I the only one who finds them tremendously amusing?) on Youtube, but started writing it. On Monday, I was playing the Sims 3. I can't wait for the new expansion pack however nerdy that sounds… And today, today I posted it! Yay!**

**Okay! So to my marvelous reviewers –Grrr, Amekoryuu, blackdragon999, georgina3101, and Tough chick- thank you, thank you, thank you! Wow, that's the most reviews I've gotten for a chapter…**

**I'm sorry that this chapter is a bit disappointing. :( I didn't want Colette to go on a big adventure to begin with. The next two or three chapters are going to be the Naruto chase with a touch of Phoebe, so bare with me for this one. **

**Enjoy! :D**

**Disclaimer! I own a stapler. It bit me today. I own a pencil. It stabbed me today. I own sticky notes. They shanked me today. Although I own a lot of hateful office supplies, I do not own Naruto. I'm gonna go get a band-aid while you read this…**

**Chapter Eight! First Impressions **

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><p>My heart sped up a bit as I saw Italy off; I was really hoping for her to have met my overseers with me, however much I liked them.<p>

The only things I was thankful for were Itachi being gone and no longer being around Kisame; I could _still_ feel his chakra, he had so much, but I could no longer Italy's although hers was more familiar and not exactly miniscule.

I tried to put the plot line into perspective. So, when I got stuck in Konoha, it was just a couple of months before the graduation. So now is the first attempt to capture Naruto. Was this when he was learning Rasengan or something? I don't remember…

I shook my head as I reached the "living room" of the base where I would supposedly find Sasori and Deidara, but more importantly Sasori. ;)

I fiddled with my bra straps, not being used to wearing lacey, itchy undergarments. I checked my hair in the mirror I carried around, adjusted my skirt, and refocused on their chakra signatures

I felt two in the room in front of me. One was focused on the heart while the other was focused on the hands, the former was doubtlessly Sasori while the latter was obviously Deidara.

Italy may have thought I wasn't speaking during the trip here because I didn't care one way or the other which was partially true, but it was really Kisame's overwhelming chakra that made me want to not speak. It was just scary and made I was thankful that I was no longer around him.

I gazed at myself a bit longer in the mirror, still disgruntled by my bright eyes, then took a deep breath and stepped in.

Sasori and Deidara automatically turned towards me being the epic ninja they were. Sasori narrowed his eyes, not in Hiruko thankfully, and asked a bit bluntly, "Are you the other brat I have to look after?"

I laughed nervously, overwhelming shyness from my childhood coming back a bit, "W-well, when you put it like that it doesn't sound so appealing, now does it? But yeah," I waved at them, "I'm Colette! Which one of you is Sasori, and which of you is Deidara?"

Sasori spoke for the both of them, "I'm Sasori, and the brat over there is Deidara."

I forced a smile, "Pleasure."

I looked them over a bit. Sasori looked exactly the same, of course, whereas Deidara looked a bit younger, and his hair was a bit shorter, and there was no feminine half ponytail thingy to hold it back, although hair still fell in front of his left eye.

Deidara spoke up, breaking the awkward silence we had fallen into, "Wait, weren't Kisame-san and," Deidara scowled, "_his partner_ supposed to get two, un?"

I answered for Sasori, "Yeah, but Italy-chan already left with Kisame-san and Itachi-san on some mission."

Deidara cringed a bit at the mention of Itachi but nodded. Sasori nodded as well, and we were thrown into yet another awkward silence.

I fidgeted a bit after the fifth or so minute of quiet. Sasori had gone back to reading while Deidara just sat there looking around the room.

I studied the room, too. It was nicer than I expected. Well, the entire base was, but this room was less bare.

What I had always _imagined_ the base to be like was a cold set of tangled, torch-lit, stone corridors with as sparse furnishings, like jail cells lined up one after the other.

What the base was _really_ like, though, was a more or less literal labyrinth in the sense that until one got to the center of the base, there were no halls that flared out. The only halls I noticed were the one that led to the bedrooms and the other that led to the living area. There were more or less three doors at the end of the "labyrinth": one to Pein's office and two to the hallways.

I had not noticed one stone on the ground or walls or even the ceiling. Rather, the floors were a warm hardwood and the walls and ceiling plaster painted a monotonous beige.

However, the living room had sage green walls, beige carpeting, and light blue floral-printed furniture. The ceiling was very high, in fact high enough for windows to rim the very top, letting light flow in. The entire room looked like it belonged in an interior design magazine how nicely decorated it was.

After another five or so minutes of me standing around and watching a squirrel (shouldn't he be hibernating?) run by the window, I finally spoke up, "Uh, can I sit down?"

Sasori looked at me weird, "You didn't have to ask..."

I slunk over to an overstuffed love-seat across from Sasori and diagonal from Deidara.

"So..." I said vaguely as I plopped on the sofa.

"So... un..." said Deidara.

"So..."

"So..." Deidara said. "Where are you from, exactly, hmm?"

"Why do you ask, exactly?" I retorted, a bit annoyed because... Well, just 'cause really...

Deidara raised his hands defensively, "You just have a weird name, yeah! I've never really heard of one like it before."

I laughed a bit, "Oh, I know it's weird! Italy-chan and I come from this place called 'North Dakota.'"

"Where's 'North Dakota,' hmm?"

I sighed a bit, feeling a twinge of homesickness in my gut, "Far, far away..."

"I guess," said Deidara, "I've never heard of it, and I've traveled a lot, un."

I asked, "Why've you traveled so much?" though I already knew the answer.

"I worked as a terrorist for different countries, un," he said as if commenting on the weather.

I paled a bit even though I already knew of his crimes, "Well, that's just delightful..."

Deidara raised an eyebrow, "You shouldn't be so critical, yeah. From what I've heard, you aren't exactly a saint yourself."

"Where'd you hear that from?" I twirled a piece of blonde hair around my left index finger.

That was oddly specific...

"Uh," Deidara thought for a moment. "I think her name was Phoebe or something like that, un."

"Phoebe!" I sat bolt upright, earning an odd look from Sasori. Damn it! I forgot all about her!

"Yeah..." said Deidara. The terrorist summed up what Phoebe said about me. Phoebe made me seem _stupid_ and psychotic! That's Hidan! I'm the _oblivious_ and psychotic one.

_Oblivious_! Not stupid! _Oblivious_!

I think Italy would be the smart and psychotic one. Just a thought...

Back to the conversation! "How long ago were you... enlisted... in the Akatsuki?" Yep, Deidara told me his sob story about being forced into the Akatsuki by the oh-so-unartistic Itachi.

"It all happened just a week ago, un."

"Well, I don't feel like such a rookie, then," I added (dumbly). "But I'll never be a full-fledged member, will I?"

"What makes you say that, hmm?"

I froze, hand still combing through my hair, "Oh! I just noticed that you all have rings, is all! They're all on different fingers, too. So... Um, how many members are there?"

Deidara glanced at me warily, not entirely buying my lie, but answered anyway, "Nine, yeah..."

"Ah..." the conversation drifted on from there. It was all just small talk.

Small talk is a weird expression...

I learned a couple if interesting things, though: Deidara can't draw to save his life (that surprised me), he had several lead parts in the ninja world equivalent to Broadway (that didn't surprise me), and he had a pet monkey as a child but was afraid of it after it flung senbon at him (kinda weird). He's been afraid of monkeys ever since (HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL DID HE JUST TELL ME!)...

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><p>It was getting late. I had seen a breath-taking sunset from the thin windows. A golden light had been cast all throughout the luxurious living room.<p>

Now, though, the living room was dark except for a lamp dangling above Sasori. A star here and there was visible through the windows. Sasori sighed a shut his book, breaking the bored quiet, "Alright, brats, it's getting late. You're too young to be staying up past midnight like this. Colette-chan," barked Sasori.

I had scrambled up along with Deidara. "Yes, sir?" I asked a bit frantically, if not comically.

"You can stay in my room for the time being; I'm not going to use it any time soon."

I tried to act shocked, "Aren't you going to sleep?"

"I don't need to sleep," Sasori stared blankly at me. "Now Deidara, be a dear and show her to my room. Hurry up! Don't keep me waiting!"

Deidara showed me to Sasori's room. It was the first door on the left with Deidara's room right next to it. Deidara pointed his room out. "If you need anything, I'm night next door, un."

I smiled as I opened the door to Sasori's room, "'Kay. 'Night!"

"Goodnight, un!"

We slipped into our respective rooms. I turned around to get a good look at the room. "Good Jashin-sama!" I breathed.

The room was freaking huge. I lived with Italy in her big-ass mansion for most of my life, what with her dad being the former CEO of a record company and all (maybe that's where Italy gets her hatred of people from), but this room was still... "Wow!"

The room must have been the size of a school gym! The carpeting was fresh and clean, though I'm almost positive that this is where Sasori makes his puppets; the table in the center of the room had a lump on it that looked suspiciously like a body. The wall I could see were a pale blue, but the others were covered in sketches of probably puppet designs.

I studied a sketch near me. It was magnificently detailed, a work of art on itself...

I scrutinized the rest of the room for a bed. It was pressed in a corner, hidden under a pile of books.

I walked the long way past beautiful furniture I decided I had enough time to marvel at to the bed and pushed the clutter off of it. There was a crisp yellow comforter over some bleach white sheets. The bed was large, king sized. I shoved Nancy onto a random spot on the floor.

I stripped down to my sexy underwear and sunk into the plush bed.

I sighed, one with bliss. This was unfathomable luxury after moths straight of roughing it on forest floors and the occasional desert. The sheets were silk and smelled faintly of ocean winds, while the bed, however cliché it sounds, felt as soft as a cloud. In almost an instant, I fell asleep.

* * *

><p>Nothing interesting really happened on the rest of my time without Italy. I'm not going to spoil anything about her misadventure -I mean adventure- with her little posse 'cause she could tell her odyssey in much greater detail and stuff.<p>

So, the only noteworthy event of the next couple of days is that I accidentally flashed Sasori some cleavage...

About 8 times...

A day...

Dear Jashin-sama...

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><p><strong>At least you like Sasori, Colette! I like putting my characters in awkward situations, but not through pain. Well, at least my favorite characters. You'll see what I mean…<strong>

**Yeah, I like Colette a bit better. I think it's just because she's a bit more like me. I'm most like Phoebe I'd say, though. Well, at least my inner thoughts…**

**So…**

**Fun Fact: (why don't I use !'s instead of :'s for this?) Colette and Italy were put in home school in the middle of first grade (neither went to Kindergarten). Colette because she was atrociously shy as a child (she's gotten most of the way over it) and Italy because she beat kids up (she hasn't gotten over that…)! Weren't they cute kids?**

**Does anyone want romance? I can do that! I'm the author… Well, if you do want it, just tell me, but I'll probably only pair them with Deidara, Itachi, Hidan, or **_**maybe**_** Zetsu. Keep in mind that they're Deidara's age, so pairing with the other members are a bit… yeah…**

**So like it? Love it? Want to destroy it? Just leave me a review and I'll be your **_**beeest **_**friend! *creepy face***

**If you don't I'll track you down and make creepy faces through your window while you sleep! XD**

'**Kay, I'll update soon! Love ya! **


	9. The Odyssey

**Yo!**

**So sorry I didn't update sooner, but I've been busy and in a bad mood as of late. I pinky swear that I'll upload at least one more chapter this weekend! If I don't, I'll write a story for you guys. I'll write that story, too, if I get seven (a lot!) reviews for this chapter. Incentive!~ ;)**

**Soooooooooooooooo, I have the pairings kind of planned out. All four I mentioned in the last chapter (Deidara, Itachi, Hidan, and Zetsu) will be involved, and it will be complicated! You see, I'm an expert at making these complicated love polygons. I have this "family" at school, and I've been married… 3 times?... and have "had" many an illegitimate child. One of the pairings has been hinted a bit, but nothing more than hints will go on for a couple of chapters.**

**I don't write that much romance…**

**But, anyway, I'd like to thank the people who gave me some ideas with the pairings or just ****reviewed in general: Chair, Grrr, AngelOfAnime97, TheBlackCat01, YukoxxxIchikawa, and**** blackdragon999. Thank you all, and all of you who favorite/put this story on story alerts, thank you guys, too. (Sorry I haven't mentioned you 'till now…) Again, I'm sorry I updated so late.**

**Well, this chapter is different. We had a test last Friday on "The Odyssey," and I was inspired. That's one of the reasons this chapter was so late: end of the six weeks. Bleh.**

**Well, I'll rant more at the bottom…**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer! OCs only. None of the pop/musicals/animes mentioned are mine.**

**Chapter Nine! The Odyssey **

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><p><strong>xXxItaly's POVxXx<strong>

Hello, Colette, how do you do?

Me? Well I was hoping not to see you so soon.

Just kidding! I love you!

Well, anyway, about my travels,

We went far, me and Phil.

We traveled over rivers. We traveled through hills.

(Quite literally, there were tunnels.)

Along on this travel with Phil and me

Went lava girl and shark boy -I mean Itachi and Kisame!

On this quest, adventure, odyssey, this long journey-

Not very long you say?

It must already be May?

Only a week, eh?

Well, we went on a journey,

And I shall tell you of it... okay...

Wait go to the kitchen, you say?

Why's that, ne?

Oh, more quiet, you say?

Well no tha- I mean, whatever you say, Colette-sama, okay...

Well, the beginning was walking,

Endless walking.

I mean like not stopping once walking.

I'll skip this part;

It's interesting as a fart.

Anywho,

We arrived in Konahagakure!

Here we first stopped in a café.

I had some tea, as sweet as May.

My pimp hat thingy got in the way.

My posse's garments attracted attention

From Asuma who inquired our direction.

I'm not too sure what happened next,

But sure as hell did a fight commence.

I stayed on the side, acting as a scout,

But I didn't see Might Guy when he pounced!

Quickly we scurried ourselves out,

But all Kisame did was pout

About the senior green one's kick.

How he came undetected made shark boy sick.

Off we went to search for the orange one

In a city that I forget the name of...

...

I decided to detour Sasuke

So he wouldn't find Itachi and flip out, 'kay.

I was bound and determined to keep Sasuke away,

But first I'd have to convince Kisame with skin the color of day

That I could stray

Without running away,

Okay?

Good!

I pouted and shouted and flip outed

Until Kisame shouted,

"Fine!"

Then I left to find Sasuke,

Dimmer than a rainy day.

And there I saw him, running like a fridge,

On an itsy-bitsy bridge.

"Hey, Uchiha!" I called out.

Little he seemed to hear my shout,

For he continued running over the bridge

Like the idiot that he is.

I sent out three chakra parcels in the form of clones,

Boxing the boy in so he'd be all alone.

Two of me perched on the railings beside him

While the other stood behind him.

The real me stood in front of him, halting him immediately

As if I were a wall or tree.

He screwed up his eyes, taking a good look at me.

I said, "Aren't so mighty are you, see?"

Sasuke took a knife, destroying my other three.

He simply looked back to me.

"Why did you stop me?"

"None shall pass!"

I stated, trying to keep from a fit like one would get from laughing gas.

"What?"

"None shall pass!"

He glared at me, eyes turning red.

"My brother's here! I must make him dead!"

I reached for Phil, not in the mood for his sass.

"I said none shall pass!"

Sasuke reached for a kunai

While I even more wanted him to die.

"Then let's do this the hard way."

Sasuke lunged growling, "So you say!"

I too easily dodged his dull attack,

And easily attacked him right back,

Grabbing his collar then dangling him

Over the bridge like the doll he is.

That made him sound nice did it not?

You know I think he's a snot!

Well, anyway, I stood there, Sasuke in hand,

Me ready to drop him into the sand,

But of course someone came to ruin it all.

It was Jiraiya, the... not so small?

I dunno...

I suppose Jiraiya recognized the poor Sasuke,

For the perv asked if he was okay.

"N-no," said Sasuke, of course.

For the boy's fear I felt no remorse.

I simply dropped him into the water below.

Jiraiya caught him, so

I wasn't pleasured with snot's decent.

In the water, Jiraiya made a dent

Because... Well, it was really just a shadow...

The sage set down Sasuke in the shallows.

From the water Sasuke gave me a glare,

But all I could really focus in was his hair.

It reminded me more of a turkey than a duck,

But it still looked like a butt...

Before I knew it, Jiraiya pounced with a shout,

But I knew he'd beat me in the long run, so I let him win with a pout.

I woke up later draped over Kisame's back,

I was a bit ashamed if that.

But even worse I had been tied up by rope,

And, well, that's all she wrote...

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><p><strong>xXxColette's POVxXx<strong>

"Interesting..." I said.

Kisame sauntered into the kitchen, "Yeah, Italy-chan's been babbling like that ever since she woke up. Do you have any idea what she's saying?"

I laughed a bit, "Oh, yeah! Italy's just speaking the language we spoke back in North Dakota. It's called 'English.'"

"Weird language," said Kisame, reaching into the fridge. "Guess that's why you have such weird names."

"Yeah," I said, idly twirling the straw in my empty drink glass as I watched Italy singing show tunes, Wicked actually. "Our names are a bit odd where we come from, too, though."

"Ah," Kisame said vaguely as he prepared a sandwich.

The two of us sat there quietly as Italy continued singing. She had exhausted all of the songs from Wicked and had moved on to pop music. She didn't even like pop music...

"I'm you biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me! Papa-paparazzi..."

I was flipping through a fashion magazine that Itachi had brought me for some reason. I couldn't really read most of the words, but thank Jashin-sama (literally) that the rosaries we got could be looked through to translate Japanese characters into English. We had taken it upon ourselves to learn a few symbols, but how many people can learn Japanese in dive months?

.

.

.

Wait a second!

.

.

.

Literal assholes!

.

.

.

Anyway, I "learned" Japanese in about five 'seconds,' didn't I?

Well, you get what I mean...

But, anywhoodles, reading wig the rosary in public is a bit awkward, so I was just looking at the pictures and picking out a character or two.

"Wait a second!" I slammed the magazine on the table.

Kisame looked up, finished chewing, and said, "What?"

"When's the last time Italy ate?"

"Um, she didn't eat for the two days she was out, and didn't eat at all today, so three days."

"Dear Jashin-sama!" I leapt up, and started making a sandwich. "Do you _know_ what happens when Italy doesn't eat?"

"No?" Kisame watched me.

"That!" I pointed the knife I was wielding at Italy.

"Don't stop! Make it pop! DJ, blow my speakers up to- What?" Italy stopped her... dancing (i.e. flailing).

I gingerly held out the sandwich, "Have a sandwich!"

Italy grabbed it, "Thanks, Colette-chan!"

I returned to my perch on the at the kitchen peninsula (bar, that's just what I call them). I glanced around the kitchen.

It was as nice as the rest of the base, surprisingly modern. There were dark hardwood floors while the cabinets were white. The counters were dark grey granite, and the appliances actually stainless steel. That was a bit surprising. One of the walls was actually a huge window looking out over a spectacular mountain range.

I've made a habit of waking up early to drink coffee and watch the sunrise. Just beautiful...

Phoebe came poked her head into the kitchen. She didn't enter since she had been banned by an angry Kakuzu after he found fur in his food...

Yeah, I saw Kakuzu. I think he liked me relatively well. One of the advantages of being quiet: not having to deal with irritable old men. Yeah...

"Oh, good!" Phoebe smiled as much as dogs can smile. "Italy's eating!"

"Yeah!" I smiled, but it swiftly turned into a frown. "Wait! You knew Italy was hungry but you didn't tell me?"

Phoebe started leaving, "Oh, that's what I forgot!"

"Dear Jashin-sama!" I sighed.

"Colette, I'm _tired_!" Italy demanded.

"Hey, she talked!" Kisame laughed.

"Yeah..." said Italy, a tab confused.

"I'll ask Sasori-san if you can use his room."

"'Kay."

* * *

><p>"What do you mean no?"<p>

"Must I get you a dictionary?" Sasori idly picked at his... fingernails?

"You don't need to patronize me, Sasori-san," I huffed a bit. "I mean, why not?"

"I don't want strangers in my bed."

"That couldn't be taken the wrong way!" I chirped.

Sasori narrowed his eyes in warning, "Brat."

"Sorry, sorry!" I laughed. "But where can she sleep?"

"Not my problem."

"Jashin-sama!"

Sasori rolled his eyes, "You're wasting my time."

"Sorry, sorry! I go talk to Kisame-san or something..."

"I don't care."

"Well, I'll be off then..."

"I don't care."

"Buttface!"

"I don't care."

"Ugh!" I stormed off to find Kisame or something.

* * *

><p>"No."<p>

"Aw! C'mon, Itachi-san!" well, or _something._

"No."

"Jashin-sama!" I stormed off, knowing better to fight with the stoic weasel.

* * *

><p>"Whatever."<p>

"Yeah! Third time's the charm!"

"You do realize you could have just asked me _before_ you left the kitchen."

"Yeah, but I like doing things the hard way!"

"Alright then... You know where my room is, right?"

"'Course!"

"Cooooooleeeeeette-chaaaaaaan, I'm tiiiiiiireeeed!" Italy whined.

"Alright, let's go. Thank you Kisame-san!"

"Whatever," Kisame kept munching on a sandwich while we left. Judging from the pile of plates in front of him, I think he's eaten about ten today...

* * *

><p><strong>I eat less than that in a week…<strong>

**Well, I **_**was**_** going to rant down here, but I forgot what I was going to put down here exactly…**

**Hmmm…**

**Well, I know there was some **_**improper grammar **_**(gasp!), but it's all for the sake of rhyme. I do write poetry quite a bit, but it almost never rhymes.**

**Anyway, I was thinking about starting another fanfiction, but I don't know. I don't think it would upset my updating for this story too much, but here are the ideas anyway:**

**Q) Another sort of cliché story, the Akatsuki gang appears in our world in the middle of nowhere, but luckily our trusty OCs (who don't know about Naruto) rescue them. This would be a comedy, but a tad more realistic. If you'd like, I could do the same thing, but they'd be cats or pigeons or something.**

**R) Um, this one's a touch hard to explain, but Deidara's old, eccentric teammate (who he has a crush on) is kidnapped for information. There would be a complicated set of pairings and stuff. I didn't explain that too well, but whatever.**

**S) The basic "fourth genin team" story, but it's told (mostly) from the sensei's perspective as opposed to the pupils. It still would be funny but it's a **_**bit**_** more serious than the other two. Don't worry, the Akatsuki are still present if you were worried.**

**I just kind of got these a couple of days ago during a car ride. I was bored… To be honest, I'm leaning a bit more towards… Actually, I quite like them all, so it's up to you. This will be the reward/sorry I broke my promise story, so yeah. Oh, and the Q/R/S choices is just 'cause A/B/C are overrated! XD**

**Fun Fact: Um… Phoebe is lactose intolerant. I just made that up… **

**Well, I have to go, so review! And, again, I apologize for the late update! :( **


	10. The Alamo

**I lied! No quick update for you because I'm a liar!**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**That's one of those paradoxes, isn't it?**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Well, I went to a fencing tournament today. Luckily for you guys it was about a five hour drive from my house, so I could write this. Luckily for me I won. Hooray! Now my coach gets a bonus!**

**Anyway, I wrote this on my ipod, so if there are any weird things like bit instead of but just ignore it, okay. I have a killer headache right now and am in no mood to fix anything.**

**Thank you to my reviewers: Miko Hayashi and Kyoki no Megami. Yay! Love you guys in a totally Platonic way!**

**Disclaimer! We've been over this…**

**Chapter Ten! The Alamo**

* * *

><p><strong>xXxColette's POVxXx<strong>

I quietly shut the door of Kisame's room so as not to wake up Italy. She fell asleep almost instantly. It was cute...

Anyway, I went back to the kitchen where Sasori was for some odd reason or another, seeing as he didn't eat and all. "There you are, brat," he sighed irritably. "I've been looking for you. We have a mission."

I said, "Oh, when did we get it?"

"About an hour ago."

I glared at him, "Why didn't you tell me this before I left to find a room for Italy to use?"

Sasori shrugged, "Let's just get going. You've already kept me waiting long enough. Now where's Deidara?"

"How would I kno- oh, yeah," I laughed sheepishly, having forgotten about my skills as a sensor. I reached out for his chakra. "He's just in the living room."

Sasori sighed, "Brat..."

We collected Deidara and set out on our merry way. Well, as merry as two bickering people can be.

Of course, Deidara finally brought up the big, defining thing about the duo. The topic was none other than art. How cliché, but I had yet to hear them talk about it except for when Deidara would go off on his tirades about Itachi. However, those could have easily been seen as the lack of appreciation for his fighting style than his art.

But I knew.

"So, Sasori-san," still no nickname... "Have you ever given a thought to what true art is, hmm?"

I suppressed a cringe. Wasn't I in for a treat?

"Yes actually," Sasori paused a bit. "If I had to give you a definition of art, I'd say that art us a piece of beauty that is left to generations to come. A piece of eternal beauty, per say. Is there a particular reason you asked, brat?"

"Just curious, yeah," said Deidara. I could just see the retort boiling in his eyes. "You know what, Sasori-san? Me and you've got different opinions on art, yeah."

"Alright. So what exactly do you think about it then?"

Deidara smiled a bit, "I think that the nature if true art is a moment if irreplaceable beauty that appears suddenly and disappears just as quickly, un, because no one understands how precious something is until it's gone. I would have to say that art is the exact opposite if what you said, yeah: a piece of..." Deidara snapped his fingers in search of the right word.

"Fleeting?" I offered.

"Yes!" I could see the passion glowing on his eyes. "Art is a moment, a short, fleeting moment of beauty where something is destroyed never to be seen again, yeah."

Sasori rolled his ugly traveling puppet's eyes to Deidara. "You're right, Deidara, we do have different opinions. Colette, what do you think?"

I thought a bit, "Well, Sasori-san, your speech was very brief and blunt whereas Deidara's opinion was longer but more supported and persuasive."

"I meant what you thought about art," Sasori sighed.

"I know!" I said. "But, I don't know..."

"You just contradicted yourself there, yeah," Deidara sweatdropped.

"I did, didn't I," I thought out loud. "I meant to say I've never really thought about it."

Deidara just shrugged and let it drop. The, what I assumed to be first, debate of art went quite better than I thought it would. I guess I just read too much fanfiction with much more heated arguments...

We fell into a silence. I entertained myself by sensing the signatures of all the different animals. I had been practicing telling the difference between animals by their chakra. I was getting quite good and could tell most of the forest folk apart. I especially liked the birds' because they were very lyrical and calm, especially after spending so much time around highly trained ninja.

I sighed in content upon finding my favorite chakra signature of any bird: the nightingale. It was just... more eloquent... I don't know, something along those lines.

I felt the graceful contours of a nearby nightingale's chakra. It was slick, definitely a water natured animal.

I think water was my second favorite element to feel; it was so smooth and graceful most of the time, however it could be so rough and restless. It was just like a storm.

My favorite element was obviously lightning. I felt an unnatural attraction to lightning-natured people since that was my nature, too. Their chakra was frisky and energized but strangely controlled.

The nightingale flew away much to my disappointment. I was in such a zone, however, that I reached out for the closest signature, Deidara's. He was earth of course. It was solid yet flakey like real dirt. I preferred this more than only wind. It was simply too overbearing.

Wind was naturally my least favorite chakra to be around. It could be gentle as a soft summer breeze or as ferocious as a hurricane at any given time since it changes constantly. Italy, however, is one of the calmest wind-natured people I've ever been around. She's usually at the summer breeze end of the spectrum, and I've only see her go anywhere remotely near hurricane vivaciousness during battles.

That's quite a rare sight, too.

I may as well continue my tangent by describing fire: the element I have a neutral opinion on. I feel the instinctual human fear and attraction towards the bright chemical reaction. For the mixed feeling I have about it, I don't care whether or not I'm around it, really.

I had been so tangled up in my monologue about chakra that I barely noticed how we were at our destination. Times sure flies by when you're having... a one sided conversation in your head?

Okay, really we had been trekking for about three days, and there was no need to describe the trip to whatever city we ended up in with any great detail. If you want to know that much about what it was like, take a long family road trip and subtract the radio, car, and comfort. Don't forget to add a nice batch of cold, too. Yep, me and Dei even did the whole "are we there yet?" and "I'm not touching you!" spiel. We did that for a good four hours before Sasori finally threatened us with his tail thing. I thought it would have only taken four seconds...

"So, this is the place?" I said.

Sasori double checked his map, "Yes."

"What exactly are we supposed to be doing here, hmm?" said Deidara from right next to me. It had gotten cold enough he was huddled in his cloak. No self respecting ninja should 'huddle'! The biggest downer of the whole trip was that no matter what the fanfics say, there isn't a jutsu to keep you warm.

"A mission," said Sasori.

"Really now?" I said.

"No," Sasori retorted. It seemed that the fanfics did capture Sasori's sarcasm, however.

Deidara huffed, "Seriously, Sasori-san, what are we doing here?"

Sasori said, "Apparently there was this charity organization called the Nijihashi that has been killed off over the past six or so months. Their parter organization seems to have just now noticed and has traced the slaughter back to the Akatsuki somehow. Any ideas, Colette-chan?"

I laughed nervously, "Well, it's a funny story, really..." I explained to them how the Nijihashi had been hired to kill off Jashinists and, seeing as I was a Jashinist, I decided to go on a journey to kill all Nijihashi members to appease my god. "Well, I guess this group has some good sources."

"Yes, but we must get going if we're going to finish on time. We simply must destroy their base of operations here and move out quickly," Sasori said. I could tell he was slightly irked that I was kind of the reason he had to waste his time to go here. "Okay, Colette, distract the guards, and, Deidara, lay low until the base is free of opposition then blow it up or however you destroy stuff."

"Alright," I said, a bit unsure how I got all tangled up in this mission. Wasn't I just suppose to be a girl they got for information they were suppose to protect? Apparently not.

Deidara said, "Okay, Sasori-san, I'll show you what art really is. Watch closely, un."

"Hn, just get going, brat. Colette, you go ahead," ordered Sasori.

"Okay."

Sasori pointed me in the direction of the base, and I went off to go distract the guards or whatever. Time to show the what Colette Landon can do!

I picked out active chakra signatures. Yes, you can tell if someone's sleeping or not by how active there chakra is. I came up to a building with five guards situated arLund the entrance. One of them pointed me out. "Hey, isn't that one of the Akatsuki?" I could just make out.

"Naw, don't they wear those crazy robes?"

"Yeah but she's got the hat."

"Maybe she works for them."

"How would I know?"

"I dunno! Ask her."

"Okay," the guard called out to me, "Hey, girl!"

I pointed to myself, "Me?" I had kind of been standing in the middle of the path. I'm not a ninja for a reason, you know.

"Yeah. You work for the Akatsuki?"

"What?"

"I said, you work for the Akatsuki?"

"Oh!" I called back. "Sorry, I couldn't understand you through all of that improper grammar!"

The guard gave me what I assumed to be a sour look. I had gotten in the habit of teasing people before I killed them.

"Tsk, tsk," I said playfully. "You should've stayed in school," J suddenly became serious. "It might've saved your life."

Before they could even blink in shock, I had them caught in a genjutsu. To them it seemed as if they were being suffocated by feathers, but the reality was that they were just standing there stiffly. I couldn't help but feel sorry for them as I cut them down with Nancy. What a lousy sacrifice; I couldn't even make it fun.

* * *

><p>Well, I had a repeat of the guards about three times before Sasori came in and pretty much took everyone out. Most of them were just civilians... Anyway, Deidara blew the place sky high and we left on his bird thing as a group of actual ninja came. We lost them easily since we were flying and they weren't.<p>

"Alright, brat, you can land us now."

"What?" said Deidara. "We aren't even near the base yet, yeah!"

"We're going to meet up with Zetsu instead of going all the way back to the base."

"Okay," Deidara guided the bird to the ground. "Where is this Zetsu?"

"He'll be here," said Sasori.

In barely five minutes a giant plant popped out of the ground. "**What do you want, Sasori?**" I think Deidara nearly fell off the log he was sitting on when Zetsu appeared from the ground. I suppose we hadn't seen him thus far...

"_Oh, dear,_" said Zetsu. "_It seems as if we've startled the newbie._" "**That's his own problem.**" "_That's not very nice!_" "**Shut up!**" "_You shut up!_"

Sasori cleared his throat loudly, "Remember us? Your bickering is wasting my time."

"**Damn, Sasori, wait a bit, can you?**" "_Okay, how did the mission go, doll?_"

Sasori sent a bit of killing intent at the plant. "Never call me that again."

I decided to speak up, "You sounded a bit like a suburban mom when you said that, Zetsu-san."

"_Hey!_" "**Oh, so you're the other one Leader-sama was talking about. Colette was it?**"

"Yeah, nice to meet you," I said with a smile.

Deidara, I think, was still hiding behind his bird. Sasori cleared his throat again, "So the mission report."

He went on to rely how the mission went to Zetsu. Deidara eventually came from what I assumed was hiding behind his bird. He murmured to me, "I hate how Sasori hates to wait, but then he goes and makes us wait for him, un."

"Mm-hmm," I nodded.

"It's like he expects us to act like his dogs, and he's our master or something, un!"

"Let's get going, Colette, Deidara," said Sasori.

"Coming, Danna!" Deidara called.

"_Master?_" "**Seems like you've got him in check.**"

Sasori gave Deidara a slightly puzzled look but hopped on the bird anyway. Zetsu said, "**Hey, Colette-chan, if you ever need help with training as a sensor, just ask me, okay?**" I could have sworn I heard Deidara snort a bit, but it might have just been my warped imagination. "_What, we don't have time for that!_" Zetsu hissed to himself. "**Sure we do!**"

Deidara said, "We have to go!"

"Okay!" I hopped onto the bird.

* * *

><p>Back at the base!<p>

"How'd the mission go, doll?" Italy said. I got a strange sense of déjà-vu.

"Fine, fine," I answered vaguely, grabbing milk from the fridge.

"Good, good," Italy flipped through the newspaper.

I took some cereal and made my favorite meal: cereal. I enjoy simplicity, I suppose.

Itachi randomly walked into the kitchen. It was noon wasn't it? Well, in that case, Itachi walked into the kitchen to get some lunch.

He nodded slightly at the both of us, recognizing our presence.

Cereal and newspaper.

Life in the Akatsuki wasn't all that fabulous after all.

Wait a second. How the hell did we get newspaper?

* * *

><p><strong>I don't know, Colette, I don't know.<strong>

**Well, that's it and I want to go play Minecraft or something.**

**I'll probably update soon. That goes for my other stories, too.**

**Okay, I'm running out of ideas for this story. You might want to help me out with that. If there's anything specific (besides pairings) you want to happen, please tell me because the only ideas I have for later chapters consist of go fish. Yeah…**

**So, review or whatever and I'll get around to updating.**

**-Ciao. **


	11. Skit Night Pt 1

**Okay! Short chappie, thank you reviewers, you know who you are, sorry not to mention you, but I'm running low on time.**

**I fence saber, btw.**

**Disclaimer! Yeah…**

**Chapter 11! Skit Night Pt. 1**

**xXxPhoebe's POVxXx**

"Got any fours?"

"Go fish. Got any threes?"

"Go fish. Do you have any fours _now?_"

"Nope. Keep on fishing!"

Italy rolled her eyes and reached for another card. Neither of my ladies had given up a card since the beginning of the game. Those cheaters.

"Alright, ladies," I said from my position on Zetsu's lap. "How about you try something different. You've almost used up the entire pile."

The two picked up all of the cards. It was going to be a long couple of days. There was a blizzard outside and almost everyone in the Akatsuki was trapped in the base. The worst part was that the power had "gone out," but I blame that cheap bastard Kakuzu. At least we had some blankets.

Well, the ones on the beds.

And candles. Those were important, I guess.

"Danna, I'm cold, un!" Deidara whined from across the room. He was the only one left without a blanket since he was a rookie. Apparently the ladies first rule applied to getting blankets during blackouts in the middle of winter.

Italy claimed Deidara's.

"Shut up, brat!" Sasori snarled.

"But I'm cold! Kakuzu-san!" Yes, Kakuzu had taken his last partner's blanket with the excuse of being old.

"You can share with me, Deidara," Itachi offered.

If looks could kill…

Colette sighed, "All of your whining made me bored."

"We should figure out something to do," mused Italy.

"No, no," said Colette. "we should just sit here wallowing in our boredom."

"Sounds like a plan," Italy said.

"You know, since we can't sacrifice anyone."

Italy flickered her eyes around, "Or could we."

"…" Everyone gave Italy a wary look, well except for Itachi and Sasori and Kakuzu and Zetsu and me. Well, pretty much only Deidara and Kisame did.

"No," Colette answered. We sat in silence for a while. "Maybe we should have a skit night."

"With a criminal organization?" Deidara raised a brow.

"_And _its hostages," Colette corrected.

"_And _said hostages' family dog," added Italy.

"…" said everyone again.

Kisame shifted away from Itachi, as the shark-nin had almost been on top of his partner in the search for warmth. "Sounds better than sitting here freezing our asses off."

There was a general murmur of agreement throughout the room.

"Alright," Italy jumped up, taking charge. "Let's split up into three groups of three, the normal partnerships and then Kakuzu and Phoebe with Zetsu."

"Onwards team SaColDei!" Colette snatched Deidara and Sasori into the… broom closet. If she was going to make their team sound like a threesome, she could at least have dragged them… elsewhere.

"KisaItax2 to the kitchen!" cried Italy. That one wasn't too bad.

"_Do they have candles?_" Zetsu inquired.

Kakuzu looked under the door, "No."

"…" "**Ooh la la!**" Zetsu snickered.

"So do you care enough to join in?" I said, hopping off Zetsu's lap. Who knew plant could be so comfortable?

"_We don't have anything else to do._" "**Well, nothing inside at least.**"

"Whatever."

"Let's just do improve," I said. I was good at improve.

"Whatever."

"_Alright."_

I sat a dozing Kakuzu's feet, listening to the murmurs from the other room and the closet. I entertained myself by turning random things to ash. Unimportant things, mind you. I didn't want Kakuzu to jolt awake being all like, "That cost $35.95! Why would you do such blasphemy to such expensive things? Do I look like I'm made out of money."

My clever retort to his last question, however rhetorical it was, would be, "Well, dogs don't have very good eyesight."

What an awesome conversation…

A fucking hour later…

Kakuzu woke up to "the irk of dog."

I have no idea what that means…

Anyway, we were still bored and Zetsu's white half was sighing about not being around his Italy while black Zetsu told him to suck it up then start growling about Colette's extended absence and being with that blonde bastard no less. If that didn't make his life complicated, then I didn't know what could, except for his schizophrenia and cannibalistic tendencies and looking like a plant hybrid.

"Shut both halves of your mouth up, Zetsu," I growled like literally growled since I'm a dog.

His light side sent me a sour look while his dark side hissed at me. Yes, he fucking hissed at me.

I started barking at his since he wouldn't be able to understand me cussing him out while his dark side simply continued hissing.

"Bow-wow! Ruff! Ruff! Woof!"

"**Hisssssss! Hisssssss!**"

"Woof!"

"**Hisssssss!**"

"_Woof!_" I barked more forcefully.

"_**Hisssssss!**_"

"_Woof!_"

"_**Hisssssss!**_"

"_Woof!_"

"_**Hisssssss!**_"

"_Tweet!_" said Zetsu's light side.

We stopped and sent light Zetsu a peculiar look. Kakuzu sighed, "Thank you! It sounded like a cat got in here again."

Hey, cats aren't my cup of tea.

"So…" I said vaguely, calming down from whatever the hell provoked me. "Whose do you think will be the most… _disorderly?_"

Kakuzu went quiet as some crashing was heard from the closet.

.

.

.

Don't even think like that!

.

.

.

Great! _Now_ I've got you thinking like that.

.

.

.

"SaColDei, definitely, SoColDei," Kakuzu said.

"Oh, yeah?" I said. "Wanna bet?"

"…Yes."

"Dude, I'm a dog."

"So?"

"_So_ I don't keep money on me!"

"You'll figure out a way to pay when KisaItax2 goes well."

"Oh really? I'm gonna be the one getting paid, though."

"We'll see about that, dog."

"It's a bet, old man."

**Yes, yes it is. So the short part one. I might have part two up tomorrow. I might not. You never know.**

**Thanks for reading and please review. ;)**

**-See ya!**


	12. Skit Night Pt 2

**Yo! I'm back with this long long long long long awaited chapter that is not so long. I don't have an excuse because I **_**have **_**been posting stuff. So, all I can do is apologize. So, sorry about that, folks.**

**Oh, and that you all for the reviews. They mean a lot to me. I probably would have stopped writing this if I wasn't getting reviews. Thanks!**

**Disclaimer! Me owns Phoebe, Colette und Italy. Me owns not Naruto o flamethrowers. **

**Chapter Twelve! Skit Night Pt. 2**

* * *

><p><strong>xXxPhoebe's POVxXx<strong>

Sasori and Colette exited the broom closet with a certain unconscious blonde terrorist. Italy and Itachi came from the kitchen with a disgruntled looking Kisame in their wake. Kakuzu sent a victorious smirk at me.

I wonder why…

Wait! Why the hell was Deidara unconscious?

Colette announced while Sasori resituated Deidara's awkward position draped over his shoulder., "Okay, we'll go first."

"Gotta save the best for last," Italy smirked as she plopped beside me, forcing me onto her lap. Itachi and Kisame sat on either side of her. Jashin-sama, was I claustrophobic!

"Whatever," Colette snorted. Sasori simply tossed Deidara on the ground.

Colette stared at Sasori, blinking.

Sasori blinked, "Get on with it, brat. I don't have all day"

"Uh, yes you do."

"Just get started!"

"Alright." Colette took a moment or two to compose herself. She threw herself on Sasori's feet wailing, "Oh, fair lover, why did you do this to poor Emi-chan! She meant nothing by her flirtatious looks."

"She –um- deserved it. No one look at another women like that while I'm around and lives!" I don't think the exclamation mark was needed in that situation: Sasori is Sasori after all…

"You-you're a homophobe?" Colette stumbled back dramatically.

"Yes."

"Then we can't be together!"

"Oh?"

"I-I'm I-I-I'm I-I-I-I-I-"

"Spit it out, brat!"

"Hey, that wasn't very romantic!"

"I'm a puppet, what the hell did you expect from me?"

Colette sniffed, "Chivalry."

"Anyway, what were you saying?"

"After you declared your homophobia or back in the closet?"

"Skit, brat, skit!" Italy jerked in revulsion while Kisame stifled a giggle. Itachi even raised an eyebrow at the curious statement.

"Oh, yeah… Oh, I'm actually a man!"

"Gasp."

"Don't say it, do it!" Colette whined.

Sasori gasped somewhat sullenly, "I can't believe it."

"Even after those secluded nights together?"

"Ooh! What happened in the closet, Sasori?" Kisame snickered.

Colette sent Kisame a look with her florescent eyes that seemed to pierce his soul and said eerily, "Everything."

"Anyway," Sasori continued. "How did I not see it? How could you betray me so? How-"

"Shh," Colette jammed her finger against Sasori's lips in what I assumed was meant to be a seductive way. Italy was definitely the more romantically aware of the duo.

"Don't touch me with your filthy hands," Sasori droned.

Colette pouted, "Don't talk to your father like that, boy."

"What!" Sasori actually looked somewhat surprised. He hissed, "That wasn't in the script!"

_At least they had a script… _"Oh, son, it's okay to love your father a bit too much!"

"No, no it isn't…"

"Well, I suppose it isn't politically correct."

"I can agree with that."

"Good…" There was a silence for a while. "You killed your Aunt Jessica, by the way."

"Who the hell is Jessica?"

Colette pointed to Deidara.

"I thought her name was Emi."

"Oh, it is, but she's just schizophrenic. Part of the time she's my dear lover, Emi, the other part she's my twin sister, Jessica, and the rest of the time she works as a terrorist."

"Good god."

"Jashin!" she corrected. "She's your mother, too, by the way."

"So, I knew my parents all along…"

"Yep!" Colette chirped. "And scene!"

Sasori simply sat down.

I sent a victorious smirk to Kakuzu -their skit was more disgusting than it was chaotic- as the three –or four depending how you see Zetsu- of us took the stage.

I decided to start with a good phrase to get the improv juices flowing, "The zombies trying to eat us look retarded."

"_Nu-uh! They look delicious!_" "**If you eat them, you'll become a zombie, too, dimwit.**" "_At least I'd get to eat people._" "**Touché.**"

"Gregory, go kill those slow little undeadians…"

Everyone gave me a blank look. "Gregory?"

No response. "Gregory_._"

"Gregory!"

"**Who the hell is Gregory?**"

"None of your damn business!" I snapped on instinct.

Zetsu sent me a curious look. I tried to recover, "Oh my god-"

"Jashin," Colette corrected yet again.

"Whatever." Colette's devotion to her god was adorable. "Look, Tom, Gregory has been infected!"

"Huh?" said Kakuzu, finally figuring out that he was Gregory once I began cowering behind Zetsu. "Oh, um, ugh."

"Ugh?"

"_Gregory's turned!_" " **Ugh? You're a really shitty zombie, Kaku –I mean, Gregory.**"

"I agree," I agreed. "Now go take care of him. I don't want my owner to end up rotting where he stands."

Zetsu shrugged and started walking towards a bored looking Kakuzu, but it seems as if someone neglected to clean up the Deidara sprawled on the floor. "_Oof!_" Zetsu tripped over Deidara. His dark half growled, and sent a kick at the blonde, knocking the knocked out boy into the bookshelf which then fell on top of him.

Everyone focused on the inured boy for a moment. "You okay, brat?" called Sasori. I saw that one of his duties was to show mild interest in the safety of his partner.

Italy looked over at the pool of blood forming under the shelf heap. "He seems fine to me. Continue, continue!"

Zetsu shrugged and continued walking towards Kakuzu slowly. The old miser said, "I thought I was the zombie."

Zetsu gasped, "_He didn't turn! Oh, Gregory, my dear lover, you live on uninfected!_" "**Lover?**"

Zetsu pranced over to Kakuzu, arms extended with intent set on a hug.

"Don't touch me," Kakuzu growled.

"**Don't touch him!**" Too bad the light side was in charge.

"_D'aw! Feel the love, Gregory-kun!_"

_What the fuck…_

"I said don't touch me!" Kakuzu snapped, shooting his tentacles/threads/tendrils/whatever at Zetsu. I prefer to refer to them as tentacles. It reminds me of hentai…

Zetsu was suspended in the air. Kakuzu narrowed his eyes then threw the plant into the wall. Right on top of Deidara's tomb thing.

Poor boy…

I blinked at the ruins of the bookshelf as Zetsu picked himself off of it. "Um… Tada!" I finished our skit of on a high note.

I took my seat on Kakuzu's lap just to irk him. He was a fun old man to irk.

KisaItax2 took the stage.

Italy looked at the audience. As did Itachi. Kisame looked away from everyone. I just noticed that his hair was up in bows. How embarrassing.

Italy swung her piercing half-teal half-violet gaze to Kisame. "Go."

"Okay," Kisame sighed. "What a lovely day to frolic in the woods! I should go play with my animal friends!"

"They're all fish," Italy added insightfully.

Kisame threw a glare at her then took a couple of joyless steps. "La la la la la la la…"

Italy scrunched her nose at the tuneless song, "Oh, what beautiful music! Whatever could it be?"

"'Tis I, the far maiden Kumquat!"

"Kumquat? I've only ever heard of the beautiful damsel! Let's get married and have a shitload of kids!"

"Okay."

"Not so fast! I'll be taking the sexy lady," Itachi _should_ have said at this point to keep the skit going. He simply said, "Halt," however.

"Gasp! A dragon! Every man for himself!" Italy ran around hectically in circles for a bit.

Kisame stepped over a touch, and Italy stopped. Kisame gave a sullen sigh. I could see his beady eyes begging for help. "Oh where is my fiancée?"

"Here I am!" Italy chirped from right behind him. When did that happen?

"Good lord," Kisame said. "Okay let's go, but first you have to slay the dragon."

"'Kay!" Italy pranced over to Itachi with the rolled up daily newspaper in her hands (seriously, how'd that get here?). "Die!" She halfheartedly swatted at Itachi, not really hitting him.

Itachi looked over at Italy before sitting back down. Italy looked at the audience. "Okay, the two of us got STDs and died at a young age. The moral of this story was to use protection."

"There wasn't a moral to this story! Italy!" Kisame glared. He hissed at the girl in a low voice, but, seeing as I'm a dog, I could hear what they said quite well. "Alright, now give me my magazine."

"Magazine?" Italy said innocently. "I don't know 'bout any magazine."

Apparently Itachi had amazing hearing as well. He was up there in a flash. "What?" He said calmly. I imagined he would be fuming, however.

"Well, I don't know what magazine you're talking about, but I can only imagine. I could make it up for you, though." Italy smirked at her two overseers. AH, that crafty girl! Using porn as a means to achieve her ends. I taught her well.

Kisame turned an brilliant hue of purple, and Itachi looked the tiniest bit flustered. Kisame said, "Kid, we got rid of the only pedophile in our organization a long time ago. We're not interested in _that!_"

Italy stumbled back. She said loudly, "What the hell do you think I'm talking about? Do you think I'm some sort of slut or something you sick, sick perverts? I was talking about cooking! Jashin-sama, these men need to get rid of their excess hormones."

* * *

><p>Something in the next five minutes set Itachi off, or so I think. I was just dozing off, and suddenly Colette appeared out of nowhere.<p>

She was bent over me, "Phoebe! Phoebe! Get up! We have to get out of here!"

"Huh?" I so very insightfully said.

"Something caught on fire!"

"Okay. Carry me."

"No."

As Colette said, the living room was on fire. Still, I blame Itachi. Or Kakuzu. Or the government.

Yeah, the government. They caused this house fire.

I just noticed I was sitting on Sasori. He glowered up at Colette. "Brat, what did I tell you about leaning over?"

"What?" Colette looked down. Oh yeah, she was still showing off her somewhat meager amounts of cleavage to all the puppets around. Well, just Sasori, really. She blushed some, "Oh, sorry! Sorry!"

"What the hell happened?"

"Dunno."

"Colette, rooms generally don't just spontaneously combust by themselves."

"Isn't that the point of spontaneous combustion?"

"How the hell would I know?"

"Well, you're smart enough, guess."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Sasori, I command you to carry me."

"Don't test me. I've already been tainted by the irk of dog."

What the hell is the irk of dog? It must just be an old people thing.

"Let's get out of her," said Colette.

"Yeah."

And so we left the room to smolder. I can't help but think that we're forgetting something, though.

"Say," I said. "where's Deidara?"

A simultaneous "Shit!" came from y company. Not so forgotten after all…

* * *

><p><strong>I don't know. I really don't know. I could never get in the mood to write this, and that's why it took so long. On the upside, though, plot is probably coming soon. Yay!<strong>

**Um, I really don't think that I'll be encouraged to update if I don't get three or four reviews. Deal with it, for this story, I'm a review hog. Can't say so much about the thers.**

**Oh, I also noticed I haven't been doing enough advertising lately, so I'll just go ahead and put it out there: I wrote a oneshot and I stared a somewhat humorous romance story with Hidan and Madara. I wouldn't mind if you checked it out.**

**Sorry 'bout the ads, but I have to keep this going somehow.**

**Well, that's that, and review or I won't update in another 2 weeks. **

**-See you real soon. I hope. If you review. :P **


	13. Bacon?

**I don't have much to say except that the plot starts here, and I thought that this was chapter 15… Oh, and thanks for the reveiws! :) **

**Disclaimer! I think I got this through the first 11 times…**

**Chapter thirteen! Bacon? **

**xXxItaly's POVxXx**

I stood with Colette overlooking the smoldering rubble of the living room. I sniffed vaguely and wrapped the blanket a bit tighter around me. "Well," I started. "this place looks fucked up to me."

"Yeah," Colette agreed. "What're we supposed to do about it?"

"Dunno. I'm not even sure how it started."

"I thought Itachi started it."

"Me too. He said that he didn't, though, and I trust him."

"Yeah... You know what?" Colette pouted.

I replied, "No, not really. What?"

"I blame Kakuzu," she stated. "-san. I blame Kakuzu-san."

"Me too."

Apparently Colette's had a couple of ordeals with Kakuzu. I have no idea what they were, but I think they had something to do with respect. The two of us made our way to the kitchen. "So how's Dei doing?" I asked.

"Oh, Jashin-sama knows. I don't think he'll be up for a while, though."

"He got burnt pretty bad, didn't he?"

"Nope, not at all." Colette laughed.

"Good."

"So, Italy, what do want for breakfast?"

"Er, cereal."

Colette glared at me. "Hun, you can get that for yourself."

"Well then." I huffed and got myself a bowl of cereal.

Colette hung around the toaster waiting for her bagel to be done. I stared, "So why do you think the fire started?"

"Dunno," Colette continued. "I didn't think much about it."

"Really? You aren't curious?"

"Well, sure I am," Colette said while getting out some I Can't Believe It's Not Butter from the fridge. "It's just too much effort to harry myself over it."

"Dear Jashin-sama," I said through bites of Crunchy-Honey-Cluster-O's. "You'll never going to going to get one of those jobs that has anything to do with small talk."

"I hope not," Colette hummed, looking through the fridge. "Hmm, we're out of milk."

"Sorry."

"Whatever. Oh, we're out of eggs, too."

"Oh, that's not good. How about that? We can't be out of that."

Colette sifted through the huge fridge. "Holy shit!"

"What?" I paused, spoon halfway to my mouth.

"We-we're-"

"Wait!" I put my spoon down. "Are we?"

"We are!"

We wailed, "NOOOOOOO!"

"The horror!" I cried.

Colette added, "The blasphemy!"

"The unclogged arteries!" I said.

Colette cried, "The, um, er, uh-"

I continued, "The evil!"

"Eh-"

"The servitude!"

"Ne-"

"The pacifists!"

"Wha?"

"The hair bands! Oh, Jashin-sama, not the hair bands!"

"Italy!"

"The-"

"Italy! Calm the fuck down!"

"Oh, um, yeah. I overreacted a bit right there."

"Yeah..."

"Wait, what sort of hair bands did you mean?" Colette asked after a while.

"The musical type."

"Hun, keep those damn images out of my mind! Oh, Jashin-sama!"

Kisame poked his head in, "Um? What exactly is going on?"

"It's tragic!" I said. "We-we- Oh, Jashin-sama, I can't even say it! Colette, help me with this one."

"We," she wet her lips. "We-we ran out of..."

"What? What did we run out of?" Kisame said.

Colette clutched a bit at her heart. "... Bacon."

"Okay," said Kisame.

Colette continued, "We have to go get some more-"

"Right now! We have to go right now!" I grabbed Kisame. "You're the only one around here with money. Let's go!"

"What?" Kisame stumbled some, but got his footing back almost instantly since he was an epic ninja and all that. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"Sure you do, but I'm not gonna listen to you," I replied. "Now where's Itachi?"

"I dunno."

And speak of the devil, there he was! Well, Itachi, not the devil. But I guess a lot of people didn't really like him all that much... Anyway, I grabbed Itachi. "C'mon, we're going shopping!"

Kisame said, "Is that supposed to encourage him to come? He is a man after all."

I sniffed, "It doesn't matter, he has a pony tail."

Itachi just sort of glared at me.

The grocery store was really cold. It probably would have been more fun with Zetsu scaring everyone, but I did get Kisame to scare a few people. He can be a real sweetheart sometimes. I think he's a bit mad at me for implying that he looks scary, though.

Anyway, the only interesting thing that happened when we... bought... the groceries was the security chasing me because I took most of the bacon from the meat section. We have plenty of bacon now!

Wait, do they even have bacon in Japan? Well, I guess this isn't exactly Japan, but still...

"Honey, I'm home!" I called into the kitchen where Colette usually is. Well, that sounded sexist.

"Hi!" Colette called. "Did y'all get it?"

I held up the several bags, "Hell yeah!"

"Any sacrifices?"

I glared at her. "Do you not see the person flung over my shoulder?"

"Oh, yeah," she started putting up the groceries with the help of Itachi and Kisame. I don't do women's work! "Aw, you got rope on him!"

"Yeah," I smiled proudly. "I got it on him all by myself, too!"

"Way to go!"

"I guess Ruth's not quite so mad at me anymo- Holy drug paraphernalia!" I yipped. The rug just sort of spontaneously combusted. No biggie. I mean, psh, it just frightened me a little. "Damn you, Ruth, and all of your followers!"

Kisame said, "Ruth?"

Colette informed him, "The goddess of rope."

"That makes sense," he said. "I guess..."

"Itachi!" I whined. "where is it coming from?"

Itachi activated his Sharigan. "I cannot identify the source, but it was created with chakra."

"Fix it! I don't want Kakuzu on my tail when he and Sasori come back.," I ordered.

Kisame said, "Italy, I don't know how to put this gently-"

"What he's trying to say is that we aren't your personal bitches," Colette interpreted.

"Fine! I'll fix it then." I rolled my eyes and filled a cup with some water. I poured the water out in the rug. "There! I fixed it!"

They shrugged and went back to work. I sat there bored. I watched the rug smolder for a while. I'll admit that I'm a bit of a pyro. How pretty, I was now alone with the charred rug. No one can ever enjoy you again little carpet, and that is art: memories.

"Huh?" the blackens rug started glowing. "Don't tell me you're going to catch on fire again!" No, It didn't catch on fire, thank Jashin-sama, but it was suddenly lit with an odd, swirling purple light, the color of one of my eyes. "Oh," I laughed. "You must be a portal!"

**Oh, it's a cliff-hanger! No, not really. I just have no clue where I was going with this except that it needed a plot. So, yeah.**

**Thanks for reading, and I hope you liked it! Yeah, I won't give you the next part of this until I get a couple of reviews! I can be a feedback whore if I want.**

**-See y'all real soon! **


	14. The Blue Thing

**Thanks for the reviews, favs, subscriptions, and all that jazz! You don't know how much they mean to me!**

**Disclaimer! Can I just stop putting this yet?**

**Chapter Fourteen! The Blue Thing **

**xXxColette's POVxXx**

"Colette!" I heard Italy cry. "Colette! Colette! Colette! Colette! Colette! Colette! Colette!"

_Good Jashin-sama. _I sighed and looked up from the daily news. I had this strange feeling something important was going on. Italy was generally the calmer one. "What?" I called back.

She skidded to a halt in Sasori's and my room. She gasped for breath. "There was the fire and the rug and the cup of water and the- the- the- the- JUST COME WITH ME!"

She yanked me from my cozy chair. "Whoa! I'm coming!"

I followed her frantic gait to the kitchen. I wasn't really going her same speed, however. "Colette! Get your ass over here! I'm not waiting for you!"

"Geez! Take a chill pill!" I rolled my eyes but sped up anyway. "I mean, seriously, what's the rush, anyway?"

"Oh, you'll figure it out once we get to the window!" We zipped to the kitchen. I glared against the sun to see what she was so frantic about. I could only see out the winter-washed country side.

"What are you so worried about?" Italy simply pointed at a pair of black blotches I took for woodland creatures. "Oh, they're coming back."

Kakuzu would freak out if he saw how screwed up the rug was-

Was that a portal?

"Ack! They're going to be here soon!"

I looked around, frantic as Italy now. Italy's eyes were wide, dirty blonde curls and rapidly flickering florescent eyes giving her an insane look. "Um. Um. Um."

I grabbed the nearest thing I could reach and threw it on the rug. Of course, the first thing I grabbed was an open milk jug. I threw the jug onto the swirling violet patch, missing almost completely. Italy paused to gape at me, hands paused mid-comb through hair. "What the fuck?"

I shrugged and looked back out the window. Bad choice! I saw that Sasori and Kakuzu were nearly on top of the base. But somehow, a little bit of the milk started disappearing like a tiny invisible drain had magically appeared underneath it.

**xXxJashin-sama Knows WherexXx**

"Ah! serenity at last!" hummed a little blue heron-bull-lion-fox-demon-thing. It sank into its chair in perfect bliss, oblivious to the surroundings. Suddenly, a thin trickle of some white liquid streamed from the ceiling. "What?" It jumped from its seat. "A rift?" It snarled, "Oh, damn it! A just fixed the last one!" It sat fell into a ready crouch heavily, ten tails flickering irritably, eyes morphing into a molten red. "I'm gonna kill the bitches who did that."

**xXxChez Base AgainxXx**

I sat on the kitchen stool, head in hands. "Oh, Jashin-sama! What are we going to do?"

Sasori and Kakuzu were in the base; I could feel their chakra signature approaching steadily, almost at the kitchen. Italy abandoned me to face the problem alone even though she knows I'm fucking AFRAID OF KAKUZU!

I looked over at the milk splattered over the floor and the violet swirling in the rug. "Oh, damn it all!"

A few minutes of me regaining my awesome nonchalant 'tude later, enter Kakuzu. He stumbled into the kitchen, irked as always. "Colette."

"Kakuzu-san!" I gave him a wide smile while scrambling to cover the rug. "Hi! Hi! Hi! How'd your mission go?"

"Fine."

"Oh, good! Good!" I continued. Yeah, I know, I was totally blowing my cover. "D'you kill the guy?"

"Yes."

"Hooray! Good job!" I smiled nervously."

"Hn. What's with-"

"NOTHING! NOTHING is with ANYTHING!" I laughed nervously.

"-the weather…" Kakuzu gave me an odd glance. I could feel his chakra flaring in suspicion.

He stood up, abandoning his tea. "Might there be something behind you, Colette?"

Oh, shit! He used my name! This is not looking good. "N-no, no! Nothing! Nothing at all! There might be nothing behind me! Hehehehehehe!"

Kakuzu simply pushed me back somewhat roughly. Yes, _right_ into the portal. Or what I assumed was the portal. I was 68% sure that it was one. It looked like all the video game portals: covered in swirly light.

He raised an eyebrow. "Milk? You were trying to hide milk? The phrase 'don't cry over spilled milk' can also be applied to panicking over it, as well." He grabbed my arm, making me flinch. "Just clean it up."

I could feel some of my chakra seeping into the floor. Okay, now I was 98% sure that this thing was a portal. Kakuzu gave me yet another odd look. "Colette, what are you doing?"

"I'm not doing anything. What are you talking about?"

"My chakra! I can feel it draining!"

An enter Zetsu!

"_What's going on?_" "**I felt a disturbance in the chakra here.**" "_Hey! I felt that!_" He hissed to himself, "**Now's not the time!**"

I was going to look at Zetsu, but I found that I couldn't bring myself to move. In fact, my vision was drifting, and Kakuzu's cold grip was becoming less and less noticeable. I could barely make out someone brushing my leg and calling out my name.

Then it was darkness, blackness, warp speed with tiny pixels of color shooting past me like stars. I could feel myself moving away from my body and to my distant chakra. I could sense Kakuzu and Zetsu doing the same.

I suddenly jerked back into HD vision, gasping for the oxygen I had been deprived of. I jumped up, instinct having been somewhat engrained in me by Phoebe.

I was alone in this peculiar piece of land. It seemed to be made of a rainbow of candy crystals. There wasn't one plant, animal, _being_ anywhere within my sights.

This place, it not only looked out of the ordinary, but it felt, well, _off_. I can't describe it, but do you know that empty feeling you get in your back, right under your shoulder blades when you're, like, scared or something? Well, that's how it was, just off.

I heard a sharp intake of breath behind me. I whipped around to see Kakuzu. "Oh Jashin-sama!" I yipped. "It's- Oh, it's just you."

Kakuzu simply glared at me. I reached on my back for Nancy, but… _nothing! Oh, shit! I'm screwed!_

Zetsu appeared, gasping heavily for breath. "**Where the hell are we?**"

"Um." I said helpfully.

Kakuzu just shrugged.

"Yeah," I agreed with Kakuzu.

"_Don't you sort of want to know where we are?_" said Zetsu.

"Uh, sure. Do you know?"

"…_No! I just asked you that!_"

"Well, in that case, let's just figure it out, then."

"_That seems-_" "**Like a splendid idea! Lead the way, Colette!**" "_-reasonable…_"

"This way, then!" I started walking in some random direction. Sure, I was rather concerned about our position, but random portals taking you to a rainbow world just happen sometimes. _Sometimes_.

**xXxWith That Irked, Unnamed ThingxXx**

The little blue heron-bull-lion-fox-demon-thing floated through the air without disrupting even a bit of air. It watched the three with precise vision. _Just three humans, _it mused. _Nothing at all!_

It searched them all. _Rather soiled, though. Lawyers, perhaps? _The demon scrutinized the lot. _No, they have an unusual amount of energy to have such an unphysical job. Soldiers? Warriors? Gang members?_

The odd being flickered its eyes to a soft, sunshine yellow, zooming in on the image before him… it… whatever! It saw the core of the trio. _Ah, chakra! _It curled its lips into a wicked smile, showing off its collection of teeth, all taken from various animals. _They must be ninjas._

The being let its eyes fade back to their regular doe brown. The blonde one and the peculiar one with the green casing over his head turned to look at the flying demon thing. It shifted its flight a bit, due north. _They might mistake me for a migrating bird, _it thought. _But… _It felt two tendrils of charka probe its body. _Ah, sensors, now are we?_

_This is getting interesting…_

**I hope you all feel the same way!**

**Well, that's the chapter! Hope you all enjoyed it. Sorry, it's short…**

**Now, I am going to beg you all for reviews. I **_**know**_** that there are about **_**two dozen **_**of you reading this! That mean **_**a lot **_**to me, you don't know how much it does! But, still, I really really really **_**really **_**want you to review. That's really the only reason 'm keeping this story up. Now, that being said I'M NOT UPDATING UNTIL I GET FIVE REVEIWS! YES, FIVE! 5! CINCO CINQ! DID I SPELL THOSE RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW! WHY IS THIS STILL IN CAPS LOCK? **

**Okay, I pressed the caps lock button again! Seriously, though. I only continue this story for you guys. I enjoy writing it, sure, but I just **_**need **_**feedback. I fucking **_**need**_** feedback. That's how much I want it. So there! No update for you until you review! Humph!**

**-Anyway, see you eventually! **


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